One for you, one for me
by Indian Summer 2378
Summary: Janeway and Chakotay are facing the future after 'A special proposal' and 'Wishes and reality'.
1. Christmas Day

**The story continues after 'A special proposal' and 'Wishes and reality'. This is the last part and I recommend reading the other two stories first.**

 **Thank you, KJaneway115, for your beta-work!**

 **Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

"Can you believe it yet?" Chakotay whispered as they sat side by side on the bed, staring into nowhere while they tried to understand what the Doctor had just told them. Their faces showed wonder, amazement… shock.

"No," she answered quietly with a slight shake of her head.

"We are going to be parents."

"Yes."

"We are going to have babies… twins! We are going to have _two_ babies, Kathryn."

"I know."

"Two!" She felt him running his hand through his hair nervously. "I have to finish the house. It's not even half finished… I have to make one room into a second child bedroom… Kathryn! We don't have enough space for two. We planned one!" Before she could soothe him he had the next thought. "We have to make regular appointments with the Doctor… We have to tell everybody! Kathryn!"

"Yes," she giggled.

"We have so much to do." He started to rise.

"But not now." She stopped him by grabbing his arm. "We have time."

He nodded. "You're right." A big grin appeared on his face. "I'm blissfully happy, Kathryn." He closed the distance between them in attempt to kiss her but she backed away. "Something's wrong?"

"I still feel nauseous."

He kissed her cheek instead but his lips wandered on their own to her mouth.

"Chakotay," she said, pushing him away.

He was disappointed and pursed his lips until his face got bright again and he lay down on his stomach, his face beside her hips. Watching her belly, he placed one hand softly on it. "Do you feel something inside?"

She thought for a moment. "A flutter. But I think it's more the nervous expectation than the babies."

He smiled, kissed her belly and laid his ear on the spot he had kissed.

"Do you believe you can hear them?" she teased him and stroke over his hair.

"Maybe," he smiled. "If they'll be like their aunt Phoebe."

"Oh please not," Kathryn groaned and he chuckled.

"But I doubt they'll be as chatty as Phoebe."

"Let's hope so."

Easy silence settled for a while, each of them deep in their own thoughts. Absently she moved her thumb over his ear.

"It has started to snow," she whispered.

"Hmhm," he acknowledged but didn't move to look out of the window.

"Huge, white, fluffy snowflakes."

"I thought you like warm summer days more."

"I do, but snow… snow is magical. The world is glistering and twinkling and… silent, peaceful." She looked at him. "I like snow."

"It changes Earth somehow."

"Yes." Her hand wandered on his cheek and she smiled. "Chakotay, could we please keep it to ourselves for a while?"

"The snow?"

She lowered her chin and narrowed her eyes playfully. "Our twins."

He liked the sound of that. "Of course we can."

"I have to absorb it first and everyone will be excited. I don't want that yet. It belongs to us, even if it will be only for a while."

"It's for both of us a surprise."

"Yes," she said and slid her thumb over his dimple.

Suddenly she shifted under him.

He shot up, alarmed. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes," she chuckled. "I only have to…," she waved with her arm towards the bathroom door.

"Do you feel sick? I'll call the Doctor!"

"No, everything is fine. I just…," she swung her legs from the bed.

"Kathryn, I'll better call the Doctor," he interrupted her.

She laughed at him. "I have to pee."

"Oh."

"Yes." She stood and walked into the bathroom.

He waited impatiently until she came out. "Are you really feeling well?"

"I do and the hypospray worked. I think I could eat a bit." She rubbed her stomach. "But not before you have kissed me."

He grinned wickedly. "We can arrange that…," he said and kissed her.

Together they walked downstairs and were not surprised to find Gretchen already in the kitchen at this early hour.

"Good morning," Kathryn smiled at her mother. "Merry Christmas."

Gretchen was visibly surprised to see Kathryn happy. "Good morning and merry Christmas to you too. Do you want a coffee?"

"Yes… _no_."

"No?" Gretchen eyebrows furrowed and she studied her daughter's face. "No coffee?"

"No, a tea please," Kathryn said with a silly grin.

Gretchen looked over to Chakotay and he didn't seem to find her behavior unusual what made Gretchen more curious. "What is it?" she asked and pulled one hand on her hip.

"What do you mean?"

"When you went to bed yesterday you were… desperate and now you are smiling all over your face. And you don't want coffee. I know you, Kathryn. What is it?"

Whatever they decided earlier, Chakotay noticed quickly that Kathryn wanted to tell Gretchen so he took her hand and encouraged her to do it.

"I'm pregnant."

Gretchen dropped the coffee pot she held and Chakotay took a quick step, grabbed it in the air and set it on the counter.

"You are…?"

"Yes Mom."

"Oh Katie! Come here," Gretchen waved her arms and Kathryn hugged her mother firmly. "I'm proud of you. Very proud."

"Thank you, Mom."

Gretchen pulled away and placed both her hands on Kathryn's cheeks and smiled wide at her. "And I am happy for you, truly happy." Kathryn nodded while upwelling tears filled her eyes. "Oh, Katie," Gretchen hugged her daughter as she saw her tears a second time.

"I am happy for you, too, of course," she said to Chakotay and embraced him after she had released her daughter.

"Thank you, Mom."

"We want to keep it to ourselves since this is quite a surprise. Please don't tell anybody," Kathryn said as she sat down at the kitchen table.

"I won't."

"We have to absorb it first. It's still unbelievable."

Gretchen nodded. "I won't say a word."

"Thank you. I must say I am nervous," Kathryn admitted as her mother began to prepare her a small breakfast.

"That is absolutely normal, Katie, when you're expecting a baby."

"Two."

"Two?" Gretchen turned around.

"Twins."

"Twins?" Gretchen dropped the plate she held and Chakotay grabbed it mid-air with one hand and the toast which was laying on it with the other hand. "Oh, Katie!" Gretchen squeaked and didn't notice Chakotay's feat, she had her arms around her daughter again. "My baby will have two babies," she exclaimed proud with tears in her eyes. "You don't have to be nervous. Just be happy."

"We are happy."

"That's great. I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you," Gretchen let go of her daughter and started to reminisce. Kathryn rolled her eyes, she knew this would happen. "When I told your father he panicked. We just moved in here and he thought everything was too dangerous for a baby. I tried to assure him our baby wouldn't be stupid but he didn't listen. He turned the house upside down."

"Did Daddy change? I never saw him nervous…"

"With the day you were born. He was so excited that we needed to calm him during your birth."

"Even you?"

"Of course. Men get…," she gave Chakotay an apologizing glance. "Let's say enthusiastic. As the nurse took you away he was caught between staying at my side and going with you. I sent him with you, I needed a quiet moment," she winked. "And as he came back with a perfect and clean baby in his arms I saw him smiling like never before. He smiled this way only twice in his life, at yours and Phoebe's birth. I was astonished how calm and quiet he was as he stood there watching you and then he told me your name: Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway."

"He chose it?"

"Yes and he chose very well."

"I can't imagine her as a baby," Chakotay chimed in.

"She was the most adorable newborn I've ever seen. Wait!" Gretchen rushed out of the room and Kathryn glared at Chakotay.

"She is fetching baby pictures."

"I want to see them. I never saw baby pictures of you."

"There's a reason why…"

He chuckled at that and Gretchen came back into the kitchen. "Here," she handed Chakotay various baby pictures.

"Cute," he smiled and Kathryn rolled her eyes.

Gretchen and Chakotay talked and looked pictures and Kathryn noticed she had to make herself breakfast, the two wouldn't stop soon.

Kathryn suggested going for a walk as Gretchen went back making the huge Janeway Christmas breakfast. Chakotay agreed and a few minutes later they walked dressed in warm coats with caps and scarves and gloves outside through the snow.

"It's wonderful," he said and took her hand. "We didn't have winters like this on Dorvan."

"No snow?"

"No snow, but I must say I like it. I look forward to dark, snowy nights with a warm fire in our house."

"Yes, but we won't be alone for the next… eighteen years."

"We have lots of babysitters, haven't we?"

"We have," she smiled but he saw sorrow behind it.

"Kathryn?"

She breathed deeply and her breath floated visibly through the cold air.

"What is it?"

"I'm stupid."

"Stupid?"

"That I reacted the way I did."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean when the Doctor told me I was… menopausal… I should've known that it couldn't be true. I knew I was able to have a child half a year before. It doesn't stop that fast. I should've thought of that. And I should've thought of various treatments the Doctor could have used on me. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You were hurt and couldn't think clearly. And I didn't think of it either."

"Even if you would have suggested it I wouldn't have listened. I… I was so horrible to you. I want to apologize."

"There's no need to. It was a hard time but now it's over."

"But what if it wasn't?"

"It _is,_ that's all that matters. But I'm sure, if you need to hear it, that we would have been happy without becoming parents."

"Are you sure?"

"It may have taken some time but yes."

She sighed and looked through the falling snowflakes.

"We have gone through worse than this. We can manage everything."

"Yeah…," her head dropped before she faced him. "Maybe you're right."

"I am." He stopped walking and turned to her. "Kathryn, I know these were tough weeks."

"They were terrible."

"Yes, but they are over. We are going to be parents. Our wish will be reality. We should be glad about what we have. No 'what if' anymore."

"Okay," she nodded at him and he smiled in response and walked on.

#

"That's awful," Phoebe made a face as she watched her sister and brother-in-law entwined in a not ending kiss on the back porch.

"Let them. I'm glad your sister is feeling better."

"I am too, but… argh," Phoebe turned to her mother who prepared the breakfast table and away from the sight of the couple.

"You are only jealous."

"How can I not be?" She wanted to steal a brownie but Gretchen waved her hand away.

"You will find someone too, Phoebe."

"When?" she whined and plopped on a chair, pulled her elbows on the table and rested her chin in her hands.

Gretchen patted her youngest daughter's head. "When it's time."

Phoebe glanced unbelieving at her mother. "Thank you. That helped me a lot," she replied sarcastically and stole a brownie when Gretchen was distracted as the door opened and Kathryn and Chakotay came back in.

"Phoebe, you are here," Kathryn said happily while Chakotay took her coat and brought it into the hall.

"I am."

"I didn't see you," Kathryn hugged her sister.

"I noticed."

Kathryn pulled away and looked at Phoebe. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Your sister feels bad that she is alone this Christmas," Gretchen explained and sat down.

"You aren't alone," Kathryn assured Phoebe and Chakotay was back and pushed a chair for his wife aside and Kathryn sat down. "Thank you," she said and they exchanged a smile.

"Could you please stop this?" Phoebe complained.

"What?"

"These longing, loving glances. They only remind me of my situation," she muttered stubbornly.

"It's Christmas, Phoebe," Gretchen reminded her.

"It is." Phoebe sat up and they began to eat. "Don't you have a brother, Chakotay?" she asked as she filled her plate.

"Not that I know," he laughed.

"You know he has a sister."

"Yes."

"And a cousin. He lives in Ohio."

"Really?" Phoebe's face lit up.

"With his wife and children. You met them at our wedding," Kathryn said.

Phoebe pursed her lips. "Then I have to marry Sekaya."

"What about… what was his name… Luke?"

"He's back with his wife."

"That's nice to hear."

"Not for me…"

" _Phoebe_ ," Gretchen warned her.

"I'm sorry." She leaned suggestively over the table. "What about you, Chakotay?"

He looked surprised up. "I am married."

"I know that." Her voice dropped a few octaves. "It doesn't bother me."

"Phoebe! You can't take a man from a pregnant woman," Kathryn said with a smirk and recognized too late what she had said.

"What?" Phoebe gasped. "You are…? Really?" She jumped up. "I'm going to be an aunt?"

"You are going to be an aunt." Kathryn rose as her sister took her into a firm embrace. "We wanted to keep it a secret so it would be nice if you keep it quiet."

Pulling apart, Phoebe nodded and grinned from one ear to the other. "When it's due?"

"Actually it's not an 'it', it's a 'them' and there are still seven months to go."

" _Them_? Twins? Triplets? Qu…"

"Twins," Kathryn interrupted her sister hastily.

"You are going to have twins?" Phoebe all but shouted in bliss.

"We are going to have twins."

"Katie!" Phoebe grabbed her sister's hands and jumped in a circle with her. After the third round Kathryn stopped her and Phoebe embraced her sister once more. "I am happy for you, big sister."

Kathryn left Phoebe's embrace. "Thank you, little sister."

Phoebe is a hug person, Chakotay knew since their first encounter and he found himself in her arms again. "Congratulations, Chakotay."

"Thanks, Phoebe."

"Do you know what you are going to have?" Phoebe asked as they settled down.

"No and we don't want to know."

"We won't?" Chakotay looked surprised over his shoulder.

"Yes, do you?"

"I haven't had much time to think about it, but… no, I don't want to know either."

"Just wish that you don't have two girls. Janeway girls can be exhausting," Phoebe winked.

"How do you know that, Phoebe?" Gretchen raised an eyebrow.

She overheard her mother's comment. "I wish for a girl and a boy. We need more females in our family and the universe needs a second Chakotay," Phoebe decided shortly and Kathryn and Chakotay glanced amused at each other.

They talked while they ate and Chakotay felt Phoebe's excitement increasing, if that was possible. She didn't eat much and shifted nervous in her chair while she watched the others enjoying their breakfast.

"Be patient, Phoebe," Gretchen said and Phoebe was still for a moment only to move again a few seconds later.

"Are you all finished?" Phoebe asked hopefully as Kathryn swallowed the last bit of her meal. Kathryn made a poker face and Phoebe almost burst in expectation.

Chakotay watched the scene with interest. The Janeway women on Christmas were like a fascinating alien race and he loved to observe them.

Finally Kathryn nodded.

"Time for gifts!" Phoebe yelled excited and they settled over to the couch.

Phoebe was the first to open one gift and after her Gretchen.

"Close your eyes," Chakotay said to his wife as it was her turn.

"Why?"

"Just do it," he said mysteriously and walked away as she did. "Phoebe, watch out that she doesn't look," he told his sister-in-law right as Kathryn opened one eye and Phoebe dutifully put her hand over her sister's eyes.

Kathryn heard the back porch door and a noise like he put something heavy on the ground.

"Okay. Open your eyes."

She looked from the large thing which was hidden under a blanket to Chakotay. "What's this?" she asked curious.

"Your Christmas present."

She stood up and pulled the blanket away. "Chakotay," her eyes widened. "This is Voyager."

"Yes, she is," he chuckled. "You said you wanted to have her in our yard."

She touched the wooden Voyager carefully and shook her head I disbelief. The whole thing had a hip-high column with wonderful carvings and on top a round base where Voyager stood, her warp nacelles angled like she's on warp.

"Don't say you made it yourself?"

"I did."

"It doesn't look like the wood you used for our house."

"Because it isn't the same."

"Where did you get this from? It's beautiful."

"New Earth."

Her jaw dropped slightly. "New Earth?"

"Yes, I gathered a lot of wood there."

"Were did you conceal it?"

"Cargo-Bay one."

"I never knew…"

"I had forgotten it until Tuvok called me one day during our seventh year. He asked if I still needed it and I said no but changed my mind quickly. I don't know why, but I wanted to keep it even I had no hope anymore of using it someday."

"Why didn't you build or carve on Voyager?"

"I don't know… I didn't feel inspired. And I wanted to use it for you but as our friendship suffered…," his voice trailed off.

"I'm glad you kept the wood and used it now. It's beautiful," she said and laid one hand on his arm.

"It's nothing special."

"It is very special, Chakotay. Thank you." She leaned forward and kissed him. "I'm sorry I have no gift for you."

"You have one. _Two_! Even if you didn't know you had, it's the greatest gift I ever got."

She smiled softly and kissed him again.

"Don't you also think that this is awful?" Phoebe asked her mother.

"It is sweet, Phoebe," Gretchen beamed as she watched her oldest daughter with her husband and patted her youngest daughter's shoulder.

#

"We are going for a looong walk," Phoebe told Kathryn and Chakotay who snuggled on the couch.

Kathryn rolled her eyes and Chakotay chuckled. "Is that a hint?"

"A very subtle one. I have what I want," Kathryn laid one hand on her belly. "There's no need for sex every time and everywhere anymore." Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "We're coming with you."

"If I had a man like this," Phoebe pointed at Chakotay without looking at him. "I would never take my hands off him no matter what."

Kathryn gave her sister a laugh and rose. "Be careful, Janeway woman are dangerous," she patted Chakotay's thigh and he got up.

"I know that."

"Do you?" Phoebe's eyebrows rose.

"Have I ever told you what your sister did in the Delta Quadrant with an inspector who came onboard a few times?"

Kathryn's head shot around and she gave him a death glare.

"I will tell you later," Chakotay whispered to Phoebe as they walked out of the living room.

#

"Are you cold?" Chakotay looked concerned at Kathryn. "We better walk home."

"No, everything is fine."

"You must be freezing. If you came any closer, you'd be attached to my arm."

Smiling, she shook her head. "Can't there be another reason why I want to be near you?"

He pondered her words. "Yes, but you were never so… clingy."

She gave him a throaty laugh and he pulled his arm around her waist as they had to step over an icy puddle.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I just wanted to help you."

She pulled her head away and studied his face. "Don't say you are going to get over protective." He pursed his lips and held her close. "You don't need to steady me," she objected.

Gretchen walked to Chakotay's side. "You can steady me," she linked her arm with his and stole him away from her daughter while Phoebe went to Kathryn's side.

"How are you, Chakotay?" Gretchen asked as they were a few meters apart.

"I'm fine," he answered a little too fast and chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"This answer reminded me of someone else."

"Let me guess…," she smiled at him and he laid his hand over hers. "Now tell me: How do you feel?"

He grinned from one ear to the other. "Happy."

"Nothing more?"

"I'm thankful. Thankful that we finally get a, no two, babies. It was Kathryn's deepest wish and the last weeks were hard for her."

"And for you."

He looked at Gretchen. "And for me."

"It doesn't have to be all about her. Don't…"

"She had gone through so much," he refused.

"And you?"

He sighed, beaten. "Me, too."

"So tell me. How do _you_ feel?"

"I was blissful happy a few moments ago," he chuckled. "Now I'm not so sure anymore."

"Why?"

"Is this a counseling session? You may know I had counseling sessions when we came back."

"It's not counseling," Gretchen laughed heartily. "I just want you to know you can talk to me."

"I know that, Mom," he patted her hand.

"You didn't answer my question."

"You don't give up, do you? You are stubborn."

"These are my daughters, Chakotay," she waved with her free hand to Kathryn and Phoebe who were laughing and giggling like school girls. "They aren't so stubborn without a reason."

"Kathryn is a lot like you."

"Oh no, she is a lot like her father. Phoebe is like me."

"How was your husband? Besides cute?"

She smiled and leaned into him. "Do you see her?" She pointed at Kathryn. "Strong, proud, smart, wise. He did everything he could for his family and he did everything he could for Starfleet. He was a workaholic like she is. She adored him from the day she was born, maybe even earlier. She spent her time learning just to make him proud of her. She was fascinated by his work. She tells everybody she went into Starfleet because of Shannon O'Donnell but I think her father had a lot more influence than Shannon. As the Cardassians started to come closer he worked day and night to protect the Federation. But he also worked to protect his family, he feared something could happen to us, especially to his girls.

"He loved Kathryn's courage and discipline and he loved Phoebe's creativity. He told his colleagues about them day in day out. I know Kathryn sometimes thinks he wasn't proud of her but he was. And if he could know what she has achieved he would fly above the ground. He was a caring man, a man who looked after people like Katie does. He was sad as he had to go away more often and for longer but the Cardassians didn't give him a choice. Kathryn felt terribly abandoned. It was a hard time and didn't get better when Kathryn joined Starfleet. She was still working hard, too hard if you ask me, and I think she did it to get his attention. She always had his attention, she just didn't see it. The week before they started for the Tau Ceti system Edward didn't stop talking about how excited and proud he was that his oldest daughter was joining this mission." Gretchen looked at Chakotay. "And then he didn't come back."

Chakotay pulled his arm around her shoulder and held her close. "That must have been terrible."

"It was," she went on and he was surprised how easily she could speak about this time. Kathryn, even though she tried to hide it, was emotional every time she talked about it. "For all of us. But for Katie… she was there. She saw it with her own eyes. It's turning my stomach even now when I think about what she saw. She got depressed. How could she not? She lost her husband-to-be and her father on the same day. I'm so glad Phoebe was there to help her. And with her help Katie got back on her feet but she wasn't the same person anymore. I can hardly describe it. She was never that open and carefree as Phoebe but she wasn't an introvert. But after the accident Kathryn was getting more careful and buried her feelings. She built a wall around herself. She didn't show her emotions and didn't let somebody near her for a long time."

"Until Mark."

"Until Mark. She had known him since childhood. Vulky Hobbes Johnson," Gretchen laughed as she remembered Kathryn's stubborn face as she came back from her tennis lesson. "She trusted him. She still does. But they were never that close. I think the relationship with Mark was more her need for comfort and a familiar face than real love. Don't tell her I said that!" Gretchen warned Chakotay. "She lived her life but it only existed as work. She didn't have fun, she didn't love. She had put her emotions aside. After she got home from her first mission as Captain, Mark and Katie told us they were engaged. She seemed happy and I hoped that she had left her dark times behind her. She stayed planetside for a few months while Voyager was being built. She and Mark could create a basis for their life this way but somehow I still sensed that she wasn't as happy as she should be. I was on the edge of accepting that she would never be the same again and then she came home with her first assignment on Voyager. 'Follow a Maquis vessel into the badlands'," Gretchen pursed her lips playfully and her eyes twinkled. "'Take the captain into custody and bring him back'."

"She did," he chuckled.

"Oh yes," Gretchen chuckled too and went serious on. "She was so excited. She showed me almost daily images from Utopia Planitia. Voyager. This ship fits her, I thought. The evening before they launched for Deep Space Nine she was here to eat with Phoebe and me. She called once before she got lost."

"How was that for you?"

"Hard. Starfleet called me five days after they had contact the last time to tell me the ship got lost in the Badlands. I couldn't really grasp the meaning of the admiral's words in that moment. Three vessels were sent to search for Voyager. Without success. They also didn't find you. Weeks passed by while the vessels were searching. Weeks became months and still no sign. They searched the area around the Badlands for four months until Starfleet ended the active search and ordered the ships back. My husband's accident was horrible but we knew for sure what had happened to him. But to not know if your daughter is dead or alive is unbearable." Chakotay heard her swallow but didn't interrupt. "We could only wait. I started to get angry. First at you because she was sent to capture you but after a few months I was angry at Starfleet. They were responsible for Edward's death and now they were responsible for the loss of my daughter. I yelled at every admiral who called me. It was always a different admiral and I recognized later that this was because of me. From then on, Phoebe talked with them. I wasn't myself anymore. I cried, I yelled, I crashed things. To not know is the hardest thing. How can you give up your daughter without seeing her dead body?" It was a rhetorical question but Chakotay's throat got tight. "I couldn't. Mark gave her up after two years. It was better for him. But Phoebe and I didn't. Even if she was not with us, she is not dead we said to ourselves. We knew we couldn't do anything but she wasn't dead for us.

"And then, suddenly, Admiral Chapman called us. His face was full of hope and happiness. He told us Voyager's EMH was on a vessel in Federation space. We couldn't believe it. This EMH, your funny Doctor, told them Voyager was lost in the Delta Quadrant but still intact and flying towards Earth. I didn't notice how much I was crying until I wanted to speak. It was more a sob as I asked about Katie. She is alive, he said, Kathryn is alive and guiding her ship and crew home. Admiral Chapman also said we could write Katie a letter. I started mine while Phoebe called Mark. He was speechless and didn't know what to write but Phoebe encouraged him to tell Katie the truth. Katie isn't unrealistic, she probably knew and maybe hoped that he had moved on. We wrote our letters and Starfleet sent them. Once again we had to wait but this time it was a happy, anxious waiting. Starfleet invited the families to a gathering and told us that they were a lot of casualties but also that two crews, Starfleet and Maquis, were working together. I didn't believe Admiral Chapman as he told us the captain of the Maquis vessel had become Katie's first officer. I just hoped he was a nice person and didn't make Katie's life too hard." She gave Chakotay an apologizing glance. "I didn't know you but I trusted my daughter, I knew she was strong, I knew she could assert herself. And she was still alive, that was all that mattered. On the gathering they also said us that the… the technology with which they sent the letters was broken and we couldn't contact Voyager again. It was hard, I felt crestfallen but we had a beginning and knew for sure what had happened. Starfleet established the Pathfinder Project a few weeks later. We waited and waited… and waited. Two more years before Starfleet had news. They had established a comlink and talked to Katie! We were joyful and happy but there was still a long way to go. We wrote letters with Katie. She told us she was doing fine and had a great crew. She told us about your games on the holodeck and the annoying essays of the Doctor and that she missed us. She also wrote about you and the way she wrote let me thought there was something more…," she smiled at him. "But I also knew she would never let something, or someone, between her and her work. In this case she is like her father.

"After Starfleet established the daily comlink and allowed the families to speak to their loved ones on Voyager I was able to talk to my daughter for the first time in six years. We hadn't much time but it was enough. She looked good, her hair was shorter and she smiled a lot. She kept asking about Phoebe and Molly and how I was doing and I answered all of her questions. Our time ran out too fast but it was okay. I knew I could call her a few months later but this day never came. You may know why."

"I have a vague idea," he grinned.

"It was Admiral Hayes who called to tell me Voyager is back. I really thought he was kidding but he only winked and said he knew that he needed proof to convince the families and showed me a live picture from Earth's orbit. And there she was. Voyager. I informed Phoebe immediately and we transported to San Francisco. And after Voyager landed I saw my daughter for the first time in seven and a half years in person. It was overwhelming. She seemed strong during our call but I saw that she was indeed strong as she stood in front of me. I was so proud… I still am. I told her her father would be proud of her too and then the first tears were rolling down her cheeks. She wanted to show me Voyager but I just wanted to talk to her. I know that Voyager was your home but for me it's the vessel my daughter got lost with. She showed it to me nonetheless. She wanted to. And as you maybe remember… she introduced me to her crew."

"And me."

"And you. You seemed so happy and yet so sad that I wanted to hug you," she admitted.

"I _was_ happy and sad. I know how hard it was for you and the other families and I now understand better but this journey was… incredible and then it was over. Suddenly, without warning."

"You had to say goodbye."

"Yeah," he tugged at his earlobe.

"To Katie."

"It was not only Kathryn. The whole crew; Naomi. The ship; the journey. Most people on our crew had family and friends to go back to, I had nobody except of Sekaya."

"But now you and Sekaya have a new family. We are your family."

He looked over at her and smiled thankful. "When Kathryn introduced me to you I was fascinated by your presence. You have the same power as Kathryn if not more. You stand in a room and everyone does as you say."

Gretchen smirked. "Don't say Katie scared you."

"Sometimes."

"I'm glad she has you."

"I'm glad to have her."

"I know you had a bumpy start back on Earth with all the debriefings. I'm happy it worked out so well."

"You mean that I wasn't arrested?" he winked.

"Yes," she laughed. "That's for sure."

"It was tough... to settle down after eight years of constantly being at yellow alert. I can hardly comprehend how it was for Kathryn."

"I can. I saw it. She got thin and short-tempered."

Chakotay was bewildered. "I didn't notice it."

"Because you needed time to settle down yourself and she wasn't this way around you or your crew. But when she was at home... I saw it. She desperately needed a break to calm down and work it all out."

"Did she take this break?"

"Yes, she did. You were here with her at that time."

"My first time in Bloomington?"

"Yes."

He stared into the white landscape and thought. "I never noticed it but you're right. She didn't work at that time."

"See, but you don't have to worry about this anymore. She did what was the best for her and created a new life here on Earth. Was it hard for you to create a new life here?"

"Not really. I always wanted to teach at the Academy. It wasn't a tough decision when they asked me to. And my sister also lives on Earth now. I had everything on this planet, there wasn't one reason to leave." He faced her. "And I need your daughter near me. When she is close everything is fine no matter where we are."

"I can only repeat myself. I'm glad she has you," Gretchen smiled but suddenly shook her head. "You are clever."

"Am I?" He looked surprised at her.

"You not only avoided my question you let me talk about something I didn't like to talk about for years."

"I was the counselor on Voyager," he winked. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yes. But I wanted to know how you are feeling!"

He gave her a laugh. "You don't give up."

"Of course not."

"I am feeling great, Mom."

"Really?" She raised an eyebrow in a familiar way.

"I have everything I ever wanted."

"Since when?"

"Huh?"

"Since when did you want what you have?"

"Since I met Kathryn."

"And before?"

He breathed deeply. "Before was confusing."

"Why?"

"You know that… the Maquis, Starfleet…"

"I don't know. Explain."

He hesitated but saw at Gretchen's stubborn face that he wouldn't get away without being honest. So he told her a short story about his tribe, his father, how he joined Starfleet and how he left it. "I was angry. At the Cardassians who had wiped out my family and my home. At Starfleet who just sat still did nothing. But first of all I was angry at myself. I know it's irrational but I blamed myself that I wasn't able to protect my family. I joined the Maquis though it didn't give me the satisfaction I was seeking. As strange as it may sound when we found ourselves in the Delta Quadrant after Kathryn had destroyed the array I saw a possibility. A possibility to begin a new life. And I took it."

"Your home planet doesn't mean anything to you anymore?"

"No."

"You don't want to go back and see what's left behind?"

"To Dorvan? I don't know…"

"Don't say you never thought about it."

"I did. Of course I did. The truth is I am afraid. Afraid of what I will see, afraid of the emotions, afraid of the memories."

"But don't you think closing this chapter would be better before starting this new life?"

"I don't know. I have to think about it."

"Do it," Gretchen smiled pleased.

Kathryn and Phoebe came over and Kathryn clung at Chakotay. "What are you talking about?"

He looked at her and smiled. "The weather."

She frowned but left it with it and snuggled against him. "Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"I'm cold."

"We better get back!"

#

"Chakotay, please open the door," Gretchen called out from the kitchen where she and Phoebe were preparing dinner as somebody knocked at the front door.

Chakotay was helping Kathryn set the table (the only work Gretchen allowed her when it came to food). He walked away to open the door. "Sekaya," he greeted his sister. "Come in," he gave her a quick hug and took her coat.

"It's cold out there," she said, shivering.

"It's winter."

She cocked her head. "Not where I live."

"Hello, Sekaya," Phoebe peeked out of the kitchen.

"Hi, Phoebe."

"Do you want to help us?"

"Sure. As long as it's warm in there. I only have to say hello to Kathryn."

"And we have to tell you something," Chakotay said.

"I want to be there when you tell her," Phoebe exclaimed excited and rushed into the dining room.

"Sekaya, good to see you," Kathryn said happy.

"Good to see you too," Sekaya replied and hugged her. "This looks marvelous," she said as she took a look at the table.

"Thank you."

"Tell her," Phoebe said impatiently. Kathryn gave Phoebe a death glance even if she knew Phoebe's immune.

"What is it?" Sekaya looked from one to another, frowning. "Something happened?"

"Yes," Chakotay grabbed his wife's hand. "We're going to be parents."

"We're going to be aunts!" Phoebe yelled before Sekaya was able to understand.

"You are pregnant?" she asked just to be sure.

"Yes," Kathryn nodded and squeezed Chakotay's hand. "We're expecting twins."

"Twins?" Sekaya repeated astonished.

"We're going to be aunts of twins!"

" _Phoebe_ ," Kathryn hissed. She saw that Sekaya needed some time to fully understand.

"You'll be a father?" she stared at her brother.

"Yes," he nodded with a wide smile.

"Oh, Chakotay," Sekaya's face turned bright and she embraced him. "That is wonderful. Congratulations."

"Thanks," he pulled away.

"And congratulations to you too, Kathryn."

"Thank you."

"We'll be aunts," she stated unbelieving.

"We'll be aunts," Phoebe agreed with a broad grin.

#

Sekaya sat to Phoebe's right while Gretchen took her place on the head of the table. "Okay, children. We can start."

The food was great and even Kathryn had her appetite back. It was probably bigger than ever.

"Did you celebrate Christmas in the Delta Quadrant?" Phoebe asked with mash potatoes in her mouth.

"No, but we celebrated the first night of Prixin."

"Prixin?"

"It was a Talaxian family holiday Neelix introduced us to. A lot of food, a toast and stories while your family is around."

"Like Christmas."

"But without gifts."

"Then I like Christmas more," Phoebe grinned.

"To see your sister in that blouse was like a gift," Chakotay said mischievously.

"What? What blouse?" Phoebe's eyes wandered from Chakotay to Kathryn.

Kathryn rolled her eyes as Chakotay went on. "A white blouse… deep neckline if you understand what I mean," he wiggled his eyebrows.

"Kathryn!" Phoebe said delighted.

"It didn't have a deep neckline."

"It did."

"It didn't."

"But it was open. Wide open. And loose. It was great."

"Did you replicate other clothes?" Phoebe asked.

"No. You know that blouse, the cream one."

"The old thing?" Phoebe's eyebrows rose. "You liked that old blouse?" she addressed Chakotay.

"If you see her only in Starfleet uniform you think of all civilian clothing as sexy."

"Sexy?" Kathryn laughed.

"Did she wear something else than her normal old lady style?" Phoebe asked curious.

"I don't have an old lady style."

"You do," Phoebe glanced at her sister and looked over at Chakotay.

"Hmmm, let me think," Chakotay deliberately scratched his chin. "There were the dresses in her holodeck programs. I think you would call them all old lady style. Oh yeah," he smiled wickedly. "Queen Arachnia."

"Queen Arachnia?" Phoebe repeated astonished. "Who is Queen Arachnia?"

"Arachnia, Queen of the spider people," Kathryn told her in Arachnia style and Phoebe beamed.

"What did she wear?"

"A dress which took my breath away."

"Did you ever see it?" Kathryn raised an eyebrow at Chakotay.

"Yes. Tom showed me pictures."

Kathryn's jaw dropped. "That is not true."

"It is. He showed pictures around after your adventure."

"I didn't know," Kathryn grumbled.

"You would've thrown him in the brig if you knew."

"I would… and you with him because you never told me."

"I'm sorry but I wanted to see them. I couldn't reveal Tom."

Kathryn pursed her lips.

"I want to see that dress," Phoebe exclaimed.

"I'll show you the pictures later."

"You still have them?" Kathryn's voice rose.

"I do," he admitted sheepishly.

"Poor man…," Phoebe said with compassion. "Day in, day out this horrible Starfleet uniform and when she got out of it she looked like an old lady."

"There was also the outfit she wore in 1996."

"That you can remember it…"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because you only had the legs of that roller blades girl in your mind."

"Because she had your legs."

"How do you know that? You never saw my legs before."

"But I could imagine them."

Kathryn cocked her head. "You are ridiculous."

"Am I? It didn't seem to bother you there."

"What should I have done? Begun a debate about my legs?"

He grinned and shrugged. "Why not?" Kathryn rolled her eyes in return. "And it was you who started with the roller blades girl."

"Only because I wanted to say that she _could_ be my ancestor."

"You said you didn't know what your ancestors had done in that time."

"So she could have been one."

"When was this?" Gretchen interrupted.

"1996."

"Didn't you think of Shannon O'Donnell?"

"Shannon O'Donnell," Kathryn put one hand on her forehead. "I didn't think of her."

"This surprises me, Katie," Gretchen said.

"We could have meet Shannon," Chakotay guessed.

"Do you mean she could have passed us somewhere or that we could have visited her?"

"Both."

"I don't know if she was somewhere we were. I didn't see her. But visit her? You know that that would have been dangerous and against the temporal prime directive."

"I know. Too sad." He poked his meal with his fork. "I can only think of one dress Phoebe wouldn't call old lady style." He looked up and smiled at Phoebe. "The Hawaiian dress. That had a deep neckline, it was short and tight and looked very nice. More than nice… she looked awesome in it."

"Is that why you didn't give me space to breath that night?"

He grinned boyishly. "You can't blame me. You choose it."

"Tom said we had to wear something like that."

"I really have to thank Tom one day."

"What else?" Phoebe wasn't pleased yet. "One dress in seven years isn't much."

"Does a towel count?"

Phoebe regretted instantly that she had taken a sip of her wine. "A towel?" she coughed and the wine dripped out of her nose.

The sight was so funny that even Kathryn started to laugh. Phoebe laughed and coughed at the same time while she wiped her face with her napkin.

"There I saw your legs," Chakotay noticed enlightened.

"No, you were distracted by something else," Kathryn smirked.

"I can't deny it…," his eyes twinkled as he gazed over her body and Kathryn blushed under his scrutiny.

"I still don't think that this was much," Phoebe complained.

"Oh, it wasn't only the things she was wearing. It was also the things she said."

"What did she say?"

"Yes, Chakotay," Kathryn narrowed her eyes. "What did I say?"

"I can tell you."

"Please," Kathryn said in a low tone which meant no good but it didn't stop him.

He grinned devilishly and rubbed his palms. "The others can decide if it was innuendo or not."

Phoebe nodded wildly and took a sip of her wine.

Chakotay waited until after Phoebe had swallowed. "Commander Chakotay, your stick."

Phoebe began to cough again but this time there was no wine dripping out of her nose.

"I meant your cue. I wanted to hide that I can play pool," Kathryn muttered.

"I know," Chakotay patted her knee. "Innuendo or not?"

"Definitely innuendo," Phoebe gasped under her laughs.

"I'm sorry," Sekaya looked at Kathryn. "But yes."

Chakotay grinned cheerfully. "Okay, one more: She said, on the bridge in front of all senior officers, that if she had a question about mating behavior she would ask me."

"Innuendo," Sekaya and Phoebe answered at the same time.

"I have one too," Kathryn said. "But this is more jealous or not jealous? As Q asked me to mate with him Chakotay said this would bothered the hell out of him."

"Jealous," Phoebe said.

"Sorry Chakotay, but this sounds absolutely jealous."

Chakotay quickly changed the subject. "She invited me on a romantic moonlight sail with champagne."

"I never said 'romantic'."

"Maybe… but that sounds romantic, or doesn't it?"

"A moonlight sail with champagne?" Sekaya repeated and Chakotay nodded. "Romantic."

"Yep," Phoebe agreed.

"It wasn't supposed to be romantic," Kathryn replied. "I just wanted to celebrate."

"And we did. It was great," Chakotay flashed his dimples at her.

"I know something else. When I was on a planet and the Doctor was monitoring my life signs Chakotay didn't leave the sickbay monitor and surveyed me until I came back."

"You know that?"

"Tuvok told me. He doubted your objectivity."

"Sure," Chakotay grumbled. "One more thing."

"You've said enough."

"Only one."

"You can have fun now, but you won't have fun for a very long time."

"I'm sorry, Kathryn, but these things kept me alive out there."

She smiled and patted his hand. "Go ahead."

"It was one of our weekly dinners. We thought we had found a shortcut to Earth and Kathryn said, seductively, that this was our last night in the Delta Quadrant."

"Seductively?" Kathryn chuckled. "You imagined things."

"Maybe… but the way you said it was… obviously." She giggled and he went on. "She said I could tell the crew our plan to use the shortcut… after dessert."

Kathryn grinned all over her face while Phoebe's jaw dropped. "You really said that?"

"Yes."

"She not only said it, it was the way how she said it… it was… I'm sorry Kathryn, seductively."

"Maybe it was supposed to be."

Now Chakotay's jaw dropped and his eyes widened. "You meant it? You wanted to seduce me?"

"No." Kathryn played shyly with her napkin and blushed. "But I wanted that you know what could happen if we made it home." His brain needed some time to recover so she went on. "I hoped you understood what I really meant. I sometimes thought you blamed me. That I said it the way I did to tease you and get your approval."

"I never thought that."

"Good," she faced him still a little shy. "Because I just wanted to show you what could happen if we got back. I never used your feelings to get what I want."

"Never?" he teased her.

"Never," she frowned. "Not consciously."

"What about that bathtub?" he grinned.

She laughed out loud. "Okay one time."

"Bathtub?" Phoebe asked curious.

"It was the incident with the towel," Chakotay winked at his sister-in-law.

"Ah, okay," Phoebe smiled knowingly and held her hands up. "I won't ask more."

"That surprises me," Kathryn gave her a mock glance.

"You seemed to have fun out there," Sekaya noticed.

"Oh yes, it wasn't all terrible."

"We had a lot of good times," Chakotay took Kathryn's hand under the table and squeezed it.

"Yes," she agreed with a smile. "Some things were really great."


	2. Facing the past

Kathryn and Chakotay didn't tell a soul about their twins until Kathryn couldn't hide the fact that she was pregnant any longer which wasn't too long after they had found out. Their friends were thrilled and within twenty-four hours the whole Voyager crew sent their congratulations and wishes.

Miral was so excited when Tom told her that she bothered her parents until they agreed to pay Chakotay, Kathryn and the twins a visit. She didn't believe Tom as he explained to her that the twins were in Auntie Katie's belly. She spent the whole afternoon pouting on the floor and nothing that the adults said could convince her. Finally Kathryn promised Miral that she would call her as soon as the twins started to kick and then she would probably believe it. Miral was still not persuaded but stopped pouting at least.

The snow began to melt in February and Chakotay could transport to Bloomington to build at their home again. The walls of ground and first floor stood and he began to work on the roof of the house. Working alone gave him time to think and he caught himself more than he liked thinking about Dorvan and what Gretchen had said. Kathryn noticed on some occasions that he was distracted and absentminded when he came home from Indiana and she worried that he might have second thoughts about moving there but she didn't have to wait long to get to know the real reason for his strange mood.

As she came home one evening she found him in the kitchen, preparing dinner.

"Hi," she greeted him and he gave her a quick kiss with one hand on her belly. "It smells delicious," she said, peeking into the pots.

"It's almost finished," he said without his usual excitement. Frowning, she searched his face from the side but he didn't look up from watching the vegetables. Before she could ask what was wrong he gave her a bit to taste.

"It's perfect," she said and licked her lips.

"Could you set the table?" he asked quietly.

"Sure."

She gave him one last concerned glance and turned away. He carried the pots over while she took the dishes out of the shelf.

"How was your day?" she asked as she put the dishes on the table.

"Good," he answered simply and sat down.

"You are quiet," she noticed as she filled her plate.

He sighed deeply. "I'm sorry. I think I'm just tired."

Silently she watched him filling his plate and then poking his meal. "Something's bothering you?"

He laid his fork aside and pushed his plate away. "Yes."

Trying to hide her surprise about his sudden willingness to talk, she put her fork aside as well. "Tell me."

For the first time since she had entered the kitchen he looked her openly in the eye. "I want to do something important before we become parents."

She was on the edge of teasing him but his behavior held her back. "What do you have in mind?"

He folded his hands on the table. "I want to go to Dorvan. I have to finish this chapter once and for all." Her eyes widened at this unexpected news. "I need to find my peace with the past."

She nodded and laid her hand on his wrist. "I understand. When?"

"As soon as possible."

"I'll work out a flight plan. We can use Starfleet vessels."

"I."

"What?" she frowned.

"I. I can fly on Starfleet vessels."

"I will join you, of course."

"No you won't."

"Do you really think I'll let you go through this alone?"

"I am not alone. Sekaya will come with me."

"But I want to come with you, too. I can't leave you alone."

"No, Kathryn. You'll stay on Earth," he said firmly.

"But I want to come with you."

"And I want you to stay."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I don't want you to join us."

"There has to be a reason."

"I just don't want it!"

"That's no reason," she replied sharply.

"That _is_ a reason!"

"Chakotay," she said dangerously. "Tell me the truth."

"No," he snorted angrily.

"Then I will come with you."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Give me a reason, a _very good_ reason why I should stay."

"You are pregnant, damn it!" he yelled, slamming his hand on the table and jumped up and started to pace.

"And that's why you want me to stay? I am pregnant. Not ill," she hissed.

"I just don't want it!"

"There has to be more, Chakotay!"

"Why can't you just accept it? Why do you always need to have the last word?"

"I only want a reason! Is that too much?" She stood too and pressed her hands on the table.

"You have to accept that I don't want you to join us!"

"There has to be a reason why you don't want it!"

"I said it. You are pregnant."

"That isn't a reason, Chakotay!" she yelled.

"It is for me!" he yelled back.

"But not for me!"

"I don't have another," he snorted while he stopped in front of her and she let off the table and straightened her back.

"Okay, then I will join you, Commander."

"Don't you pull rank on me," he shouted right in her face. "But of course." He waved with his hand violently. "You are the admiral. I can't do anything against it. I'll see you on the ship." He turned and slammed the door behind him.

She exhaled loudly and tried to calm down. She knew he wouldn't leave and was trying to calm down too but she also knew that she had to take the first step.

She was able to stay for four full minutes until she couldn't wait longer and started to search for him.

She found him sitting on the edge of their bed, his head dropped, kneading his hands in his lap.

She sat down beside him. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. This 'Commander' comes sometimes just naturally. I hate myself for it," she apologized quietly and breathed deeply before she went on. "Don't you have a reason or do you just not want to tell me?"

He swallowed. "There is a reason," he whispered and she saw that tears were streaming down his face.

"Please tell me," she said truly concerned and took one of his hands in her lap to stop his movements.

"I don't want you to be hurt…," he admitted without raising his head.

"Why do you think I would be hurt?"

It was more a sob as he sighed. "I… I lost my family on this planet. The Cardassians… murdered them. I know… the planet is Federation again but I don't feel it's safe. I wouldn't survive it if something happened to the three of you." He looked at her and saw her compassion as she begun to understand.

She laid one hand on his cheek and wiped his tears away. "Chakotay. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you." Leaning into him, she embraced him tightly. "I'll stay. Of course I'll stay."

He buried his nose in her hair. "Thank you," he murmured.

Holding onto her for a while, he savored the moment before they pulled away.

"But I don't know how to pass the time alone," she joked to lighten his spirits.

"You will survive, and you aren't alone." He pressed his hand lightly on her belly.

She covered his hand with hers. "You're right. I watch them until you come back. And better now than later," she laughed. "Now it's still easy."

He grinned. "I'll be as fast back as I can."

"I know." She reached out to touch his face softly. "But please promise me to take your time. You don't have to hurry."

"I promise."

#

A week later they stood in a transporter station at Starfleet Headquarters. Kathryn had pulled some strings to get a passage with Federation ships. Sekaya was going to join Chakotay on the second ship.

"Look after her," Chakotay told Phoebe once again.

"Of course. She will eat, sleep, drink, work not too much and I keep her occupied to make the time without you not too long," she soothed him.

"Thank you, Phoebe."

"I can look after myself," Kathryn muttered but wasn't heard.

Chakotay turned to his wife. "We said goodbye before so I only say see you soon."

She nodded. "Here." She gave him a little piece of technology.

"What's that?"

"A subspace transmitter with a personal identity number. With this you can call me any time, from everywhere and we can talk live. Even from Dorvan. And I can call you. If something happens or if I just want to talk. And please call me whenever you want to."

"I do. Thank you, Kathryn."

"Sometimes it's good to be an admiral," she shrugged.

He kissed her and stepped on the transporter pad. "I love you," he said as he shimmered away.

Kathryn missed Chakotay immediately. Phoebe saw it on her sister's face.

"Come," she said and linked her arm with Kathryn's.

"What happened to me?" Kathryn asked with a trembling voice and wiped some tears away. "I was never so emotional."

"First you are pregnant and pregnant women are emotional and second you love Chakotay and if you would just let him walk away I would be concerned."

"I was never like this when I left Mark for longer."

"You were the one who walked away. That's easier. And I never really thought you loved Mark."

Kathryn turned her head to her sister while they walked. "Really? Why?"

"I don't know… it was just a feeling. I mean you liked him and trusted him. You maybe even loved him… but only as a friend. He was good for you, he helped you, but real love? No, I don't think so. And as I saw you with Chakotay I knew I was right. This is real love." Kathryn smiled at her sister's words. "The way you looked at each other… it was obvious what you felt even if you didn't know… or admit it yet."

"You're right and now I have to deal at least six weeks without him."

"You will survive it. I had to promise it." Kathryn chuckled. "And I have a plan. You won't even have time to think about him."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "I'm curious. Anxious, but curious."

"I will be nice. Chakotay would kill me otherwise."

=/\=

Kathryn tried everything to let this weeks without Chakotay pass away quickly. She failed, even with Phoebe's help.

She worked long hours through the first weeks but noticed soon that she got quickly tired. Most days she went home after lunch, slept and worked more hours at night.

The evenings were the toughest time of the day. Every day, Phoebe sent her another former crewmember which Kathryn appreciated even if she felt a little like Naomi Wildman.

She went to Bloomington often but without Chakotay there wasn't much to do for her. She planned a lot what he should do when he came back.

She wandered through the rooms which should become their kitchen, study, dining and living room and imagined how the rooms looked like when they were finished. Chakotay hadn't allowed her to go upstairs, the stairs are not safe yet and it is too dangerous, he had said. Kathryn noticed that he thought everything she did was too dangerous.

When she walked in the yard she often walked over to her wooden Voyager and adored the tiny details of Chakotay's work.

Kathryn also noticed that her work didn't satisfy her anymore. She stared often out of her office window when she should be working. She told Chakotay one day but he was distracted by his journey and not a help these days.

They talked at the beginning every day, sometimes even more than one time a day. Kathryn noticed with every light year he got closer to Dorvan he became more absent. He wasn't very talkative which concerned her and she feared his first call from Dorvan but as it finally came he looked good, exhausted but good. He was relieved and so was she that he hadn't seen what he had feared. Most of the damage had been repaired and the planet didn't look like a grave, on the contrary, it was alive like in its best times. Since then she hadn't heard much from him. She guessed that he had other things in his mind and she hoped he would find what he was seeking: peace with the past.


	3. Peace with the past

Kathryn walked through her apartment, busying herself with organizing which of her belongings and furniture should go into their house and which not.

"Hey," she exclaimed suddenly and looked down to her belly. "Don't kick your… sibling," she chuckled. "Ouch! This was me. Could you please… ouch! This isn't nice. Stop it."

Her not-so-serious commands weren't heard and she felt more kicks.

"What are you…?" She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Great. Now both are awake."

Picking up her tea, she took a sip. "What are you both doing in there?" she asked and placed a hand on her belly. "This was a fist." She shook her head amused. "And another… you know, it is obvious who your father is."

Feeling her children move, she drank her tea and smiled at the thought of Chakotay.

A knock on the door startled her. "Who is that?"

Setting her cup on the coffee table, she turned to open the door.

"Chakotay?!" she gasped astonished and blinked a few times to be sure he was really there. He was indeed and obviously stunned. His mouth hung slightly open while he stared wide-eyed at her belly.

"Kathryn… you look...," he stammered.

"Huge?" she offered and patted her belly.

He laughed and shook his head. "I wanted to say amazing. But huge…? Yes."

"What are you doing here? I mean I had no idea."

"I wanted to surprise you," he stated simply and hugged her as tight as her belly was allowing it.

Kissing her hair, he released her.

"This is a surprise! A big surprise, come in."

Following her, he peeked into living room and kitchen.

"Are you looking for something?"

"I thought I heard you talking to someone."

"I was." He frowned quizzically. "With these two," she enlightened him and stroke over her belly. "They're very agile."

"They move already?"

"Already?" she laughed. "They've been doing it quite a while. Kicking, moving, punching…," she rolled her eyes and smirked. "Sometimes it feels like they're chasing each other."

"Now?"

She got an absent expression on her face as she felt inside her he immediately fell in love with.

"No, I'm sorry. Not a minute ago they jumped up and down." His smile faded and she saw his disappointment. "You will feel it soon," she assured him.

He nodded. "You didn't tell me you feel it when they move."

"You had other things on your mind."

"But I want to know these things."

"And from now on I will tell you everything." She threw her arms around him as she noticed that he hadn't kissed her yet. "I missed you," she breathed against his mouth and kissed him.

"I missed you, too," he said after they had pulled apart and looked in her deep blue eyes. "All of you."

She smiled and he kissed her again. As he broke the kiss he looked unsure at her.

"What is it?"

"I would love to drag you in our bed to… but you're so… round… I don't know…" He slid his hand through his hair while his eyes lay on her belly.

"Come." She grabbed his wrist. "I spent the last weeks with research how to have sex while you're expecting twins. I want to investigate if this really works."

"You are a scientist from head to toe," he joked and pushed the door close just before she pulled him with her.

#

"How are the results?" he asked as she rested her cheek on his chest.

"The results are very promising. But we have to further examine it to be sure, of course."

His chest moved under her cheek as he chuckled. "Of course."

"Chakotay," she smiled happily.

"Yes?"

"It's good to have you back."

"It is good to _be_ back."

"Do you want to tell me what you have seen?"

"Yes."

She turned her head and looked at him. "Now?"

"No, later. I want to enjoy this moment for a while."

Not wanting to push him, she nodded. "Okay."

#

They settled over to the living room couch after they had spent the day blissfully shutting out the world in bed. While he waited impatiently to feel his children kick for the first time she did her best to wait patiently for him to tell her about his experience.

His arm lay around her shoulder and his hand softly moved up and down her arm while she huddled in the small space he gave her as she noticed that he tensed up.

"Do you want to tell me now?" she asked and gently laid a hand on the one that was resting on her stomach.

He nodded and exhaled. "Yes."

Closing his fingers around her hand, he shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know where to begin…"

"At the beginning," she suggested seriously. "…your journey, the flight. I want to know everything you want to tell me."

He cleared his throat and began to talk. "It was… overwhelming; it was… terrible; it was not how I thought it would be. The flight started as a nightmare as soon as I materialized on the first ship. I had just left you behind and instantly forgotten why I didn't want you to join us. I believed that as soon as Sekaya would be with me we would spend the time together and occupy ourselves but she wasn't helpful. She was nervous… very nervous. Most of the time she walked restlessly through the ships and I was alone. I had time to think and noticed soon that it wasn't helpful. I needed something that would keep my mind busy."

"What did you do?"

"I meditated, went on vision quests. I tried to write my feelings down but it didn't help. I was still searching for the right thing or I would have bothered you more often with my calls."

"You never bother me."

"I did. Or would have. I know that I'm distracted when I work with my hands and luckily I found something to work on soon."

"What?"

"I can't tell you yet. I don't _want_ to tell you yet. It's a surprise."

"You know I'm curious."

"I know."

"It isn't fair," she muttered.

"Be patient, I think it's worth it." He patted her arm before he went on. "This work kept me busy and I spent days and nights with it. I didn't recognize how close we were the former DMZ… I haven't thought anymore how many times we changed the ship nor was looking at a sensor reading every hour but as Dorvan suddenly came into view it hit me. I became anxious, almost panicked. I had no idea what to expect." His voice became strained and his caressing on her arm stopped. "As I saw the planet from my viewport I couldn't look away. All I could think of was that this planet… on this planet…," he swallowed. "My parents, my family… were murdered… brutally. My childhood home destroyed. And then I remembered a fact I feared the most. I remembered the smell, the… pungent smell. I never told you that but I was on Dorvan shortly after the attack." Kathryn heard tears in his voice and could barely stop herself from showing a reaction. "I was there… only a few days after… I smelled…," he stopped and desperately tried to get a hold of himself.

She felt him literally clung on her and squeezed his hand. "What, Chakotay? What did you smell?"

He choked on his tears and she turned her head to look at him. He shook his head and bit his lip.

"I'm here, Chakotay. I'll help you," she said firmly tough she had never seen him so emotional before. "What did you smell?"

He looked at her and pinched her arm hard. Even if he was hurting her she didn't mention it. "The smell of burned flesh," he blurted out as quickly as he could and decreased the hold of her arm to a normal level. "This hot, vile smell. It was haunting me… haunting me since the day I stood there… in the silence. Nothing was left. Nothing but smoke and ash and silence. And that smell. I felt an anger in me I've never felt before and in this moment I decided to take revenge by joining the Maquis."

Noticing that he spoke more freely when she didn't look at him, Kathryn turned and snuggled into the warm space between his arm and body again.

"These emotions overwhelmed me and to make it worse the transporter chief called to say that we could beam down. I could barely acknowledge it before I ran into the bathroom and vomited. I never did that before… but the smell…

"I got up, washed my face and walked into the living area. I tried to breathe and needed something to help me out of this agony. I knew there is only one thing in the universe that has enough power over me so I told the computer to show me my photos of you and the latest ones you sent me of our twins. It helped. You calmed me and with the feeling of you beside me I was able to make the last step. I met with Sekaya, who was a mess like me, and we beamed directly into the village. To our surprise there _was_ a village. We were stunned… nothing indicated anymore what had happened to this place. There were buildings, plants, trees, streets. People walking around, children playing on the street. It seemed familiar and at the same time not. But the thing I noticed first was that it smelled fresh. It smelled good. It was strange… I can't really explain it. A human man who introduced himself as Wyatt greeted us. He told us he is one of the new inhabitants who helped rebuilding the village. He offered to guide us and showed and explained us everything we wanted to know. We ate together before Wyatt walked with us to the house where we could sleep. As we were inside and I sat down and had some time for myself I noticed I hadn't called you. I hoped you would understand."

"Of course I did."

He went on as if she hadn't spoken. "I called you right away. I know it was a brief call but I needed time to think before I went to bed. I _never_ ever suspected I could sleep on Dorvan again but I did. Maybe it was the exhaustion… I don't know, but I felt rested the next morning, rested and relaxed and anxious to see more. After Sekaya and I had breakfast Wyatt picked us up and we walked and talked until the sun stood high on the sky. I sensed hesitation in him as we came to the end of the road where only a little footpath went further. He told us they built a monument in the wood and asked if we wanted to see it. I wanted to see it. I wanted to see what they created for the victims and I wanted to see the wood. The last time I was there, there was nothing, not a hint of the wood I played in as a child. It was all burned down… it simply hadn't existed anymore. Sekaya wasn't so sure but I took her by the hand and insisted that she come with us. We walked on and saw trees, young trees, four, five years old maybe. After a couple of minutes the memorial came into view, two pillars in a round basin, lean and not very high but both with a huge bottom. Every name of every person who died on Dorvan through the attack is written on the first pillar's bottom. On the other, to my surprise, I read my own name and a lot of my friends including B'Elanna, Mike, Kurt, Ro Laren, Sveta and all the other Maquis who helped defending the planet. Wyatt said the new inhabitants know what the Maquis did to help fight the Cardassians and they agreed that there should not only be a place for the people who died on Dorvan but also for the people who protected it. I was surprised, I never saw the Maquis as victorious but the new settlers appreciated what the Maquis did. I read every name on both pillars, it felt strange to read all these names, but there was one name profoundly disturbing me: Seska. I told Wyatt about her and her actions and he promised to make sure her name would be removed. He apologized, most of the builders were civilians and glad to receive all these names from several governments but I told him there's no need to apologize, they couldn't know what she had done. I assured him that it's an impressing building and thanked him. As long as this memorial stands nobody will be forgotten."

Squeezing Kathryn's arm, he looked down at her. "You should see it someday."

"Really?"

"Yes. We should visit it with our children. They have a right to know what had happened to their grandparents." She nodded and noticed gladly that he spoke with a softer voice now. "We walked back and Wyatt invited us to a gathering on the evening. We agreed and spent the afternoon on our own before we walked to the party. It was a welcome distraction. There were so many people, it was like the whole village was there. Everyone was friendly and we talked and ate and you should have seen our surprise as we met old childhood friends. Sekaya even met a long forgotten high-school love and I could swear this is going to be my brother-in-law."

"Oh no, poor Phoebe will be truly alone," Kathryn joked.

"We will find a man for her," he smiled and started to caress her arm anew. "We sat together with our childhood friends this evening and shared old stories and laughed heavily. It was… healing, as much as for us as for them…"

He stopped for a while, thinking his thoughts. Kathryn listened to his steady breathing and was almost asleep as he spoke again but she pulled herself together and listened attentively to his words.

"We wanted to help rebuild the village so we spent the following weeks with planting trees and building houses and what else needed to be done. Sekaya spent much of her time in her future-husband's company but I didn't mind. I never felt alone. That's the reason why I didn't call you as often as I should have and I feel sorry about it."

"Don't be. I know you needed to do this."

"Thank you. It was very satisfying to help these people."

"I don't doubt it and I'm glad you were able to help."

"I was glad, too, but after some weeks I was getting restless and before I knew it Sekaya noticed it and said it was because I wanted to fly home to you. I couldn't reply, she was absolutely right," he chuckled. "My soon-to-be brother-in-law threw a big party on our last evening and he had to promise my sister that he is coming to Earth as soon as possible. It won't be long, if you ask me." He smirked and Kathryn smiled. "Our ship was due on afternoon the next day so I had the chance to walk alone to the memorial in the morning." She felt him shifting awkwardly. "As I stood on the stony ground between the pillars I suddenly saw images of my childhood and my parents in my mind. Images I didn't even remember existed. I was taken aback, I couldn't think clearly. I didn't expect to see such images, how could I when I didn't know they exist? Sadness floated me and I dropped to my knees and for the very first time since the attack I cried… and grieved. There was no anger anymore. Only sorrow." He pulled his arm away from her and wiped his tears away. "I don't know how long I was kneeling there until my tears dried and I stood. I looked at the memorial and felt free for a tiny moment until a sudden thought left an icy trace in my heart. What if the Cardassians hadn't attacked Dorvan and wiped out my family, my childhood home? I wouldn't have had a reason for revenge. I wouldn't…," his voice came to an end and he couldn't go on.

"What, Chakotay?" she asked softly while her heart was beating wildly. She faced him and touched his cheek. "What? Tell me."

"I… I wouldn't… have joined the Maquis."

"Would it have been that worse?"

"I wouldn't… have met the people I know… my friends. I wouldn't have met…," he choked on his tears. "…you." Before she could soothe him he went on, desperately. "Should I be glad that the Cardassians killed my parents? I can't but somewhere deep inside me I am," he cried. "I can't image a life without you. I am happy that you are in my life. It is selfish! I hate myself!"

"Don't!"

"But I am glad to have you."

"I hope so," she said and stroke with her thumbs over his cheek. "But you don't have to be glad that your parents were killed." She talked on without a pause and smiled reassuringly. "We would have met."

"You can't be sure!"

"I can. I have _absolutely_ no doubt we would have met under other circumstances. We were both Starfleet officers. We would have met on a ship or at the Academy or at a coffee shop." He chuckled under his tears. "Our love is meant to be, Chakotay. We would have met and served together on Voyager. And we would have spent our shore leave at home on Earth or at our second house on Dorvan because, of course, I would have threatened you to make peace with your family."

He laughed at that. "You really believe what you are saying?" he asked after a while.

"Yes. I do," she answered with no hint of doubt.

He smiled and accepted it, the hate gone from his eyes.

She turned, rested her head on his shoulder and took his hands in hers. "Chakotay, I have a question. Where was Sekaya when the Cardassians attacked Dorvan?"

"She was on a ship. When the Enterprise left the people were frightened, they wanted to fight for themselves but knew they weren't enough. Sekaya wanted to ask me to help protecting our village but it was too late."

"Did you see her again before we got lost?"

"Yes, twice. Once on Earth right after the attack. She came on a convoy for families of war victims. I had already decided to find Sveta and join the Maquis but I didn't tell Sekaya. The second time was on a planet where the Maquis had an outpost. There she met B'Elanna and Mike and all the others from my crew. She asked me why I joined the Maquis, everything is destroyed, there is nothing left to defend but I replied I do it to avenge our family. She tried to talk me out of it. She said it's not like me to take revenge and kill people. And she feared that she would lose me too. She did in the end…"

"You never told me."

"I suppressed everything that had to do with it. I think I still would if it weren't for your mother."

"My _mother_?" Kathryn asked incredulously, turning to him.

"Your mother was the first person who got me to talk about it. She's stubborn, you know."

Kathryn shook her head disbelievingly. "My mother…"

"She is divine."

She laid her head to the side. "She is sly."

He laughed and flashed his dimples. "I'm glad she made me face it. And I think she's glad that I got her talk about…," he stopped, remembering that Kathryn had no clue what he had talked about with Gretchen last Christmas.

"What, Chakotay? What have you talked about?" she demanded with her command voice and a glance which he would tell her everything; on Voyager but not anymore.

"No, I won't tell you. That's between your mother and me."

She narrowed her eyes in disgust. "You could have talked to me."

"I could, but as I said I had suppressed everything that had to do with it."

"You talked to my mother," she muttered.

"She almost put me upside down to get me talking!"

Kathryn couldn't suppress a chuckle on that. "She's very persistent, isn't she?"

"Oh yes, she is."

"But you could have talked to me," she said stubbornly.

"I know. But our time on Voyager was hard. I didn't want to complain about my little problems."

"They aren't little and you don't complain."

"I know. Maybe I just needed time and have my own, steady life to feel finally strong enough to face the past."

"And you needed my mother."

"And I needed your mother," he laughed cheerfully.


	4. Facing the future

Chakotay's face showed his surprise as they materialized in front of their house. The trees and grass, which were still brown at his departure, were green now and around the house grew flowers in full bloom.

"These weren't here when I left," he said, pointing at the flowers.

"You never forbade me to work in the garden," Kathryn said dryly with a shrug and shoved him into the house without further debate.

She pulled a PADD out of her pocket and began to tell him about the plans she made through his absence. He scratched his temple and tried to memorize everything she was telling him. Finally he stopped her and she handed him her PADD which included the information he needed. She left him alone and he walked through the house and began to consider how he could realize her wishes.

Some time later he stood on the porch, watching her incredulously while she sat on the lawn, planting Talaxian tomatoes. He slowly shook his head at her work. The plants were planted in various places on the green grass.

"Don't you want a flower bed?" he called out.

"No, it's fun this way," she answered without looking up and spread some dirt around the tiny plant. She crawled a few meters and started to dig.

"You know it will make a lot of work this way?"

"I know," she raised her head and grinned at him.

He sighed deeply. " _I_ will have a lot of work with this…" Now she grinned even more. "You have a lot of faces, Kathryn Janeway," he told her as he walked over to the place where she was sitting.

"I have," she agreed and lay back while he crouched beside her.

"Are you happy?" he asked, watching her watching the white, fluffy clouds.

She looked him in the eyes and smiled. "Like never before. And what about you?"

He placed one hand on her round stomach. "I would be happier if I would feel them kick for the first time," he complained.

"They enjoy keeping you at arm's length," she laughed and patted his arm for comfort.

"I just hope they won't do it for seven years."

She gave him a mock glare. "I had a crew to bring home."

"I know, though they don't have this excuse."

Sitting up, what took some effort, she kissed him softly. "I doubt they'll be able to resist you much longer."

"I hope so. Perhaps I should stay near you until I feel it," he said with a wicked gleam in his eyes.

"Kick," she said to her stomach. "Please, kick."

He laughed and kissed the tip of her nose. "It's nice to know you like having me around."

=/\=

Kathryn enjoyed the view from her seat on the back porch. But she didn't admire the beautiful nature. She admired her husband working in the backyard dressed only in jeans. He was building an outdoor bathtub for her birthday and was sweating heavily in the warm Indiana spring sun.

He carried another log through the garden, watching carefully not to step on a tiny tomato plant and lay the log beside his tools. Kathryn's mouth watered as she watched the muscles on his bare, sweaty chest and stomach. Hungrily she licked her lips. Working on their home had brought him a well-build body, she noticed with pleasure.

His strong hands moved the tool over the wood, preparing it. Oh what would she give to let those hands wander over her body now… but she knew he wouldn't like to be disturbed. He wanted to give her the bathtub on her birthday. It wouldn't bother her to get it one or two days later if he came around now and…

"Chakotay!" she yelled and he looked up. He saw her mouth hanging open and knew exactly what she had in mind but instead of walking over he grinned a dimpled grin in her direction and concentrated back on his work.

He knew what it did to her and being now aware of her hot gaze his concentration was gone. He laid his tools aside and walked slowly to her.

He stopped in front of the stairs and looked in her eyes. "What do you want?"

She rose and took one step to stand eye to eye. "You know what I want," she said huskily and slid her hands over his chest and around his neck.

"Kathryn," he said amused. "I want to finish your gift by Tuesday."

"You don't have to," she breathed on his mouth and kissed him.

"Kathryn…," he murmured through their kiss. "But I… want… it…"

"And I want something else." She traced kisses down his jaw.

He noticed that resistance was futile and captured her mouth with his. This bathtub could wait, Kathryn not.

Suddenly she broke the kiss. With wide eyes she looked at him.

"Is everything okay?" he asked concerned and looked down at her round belly.

"Chakotay," she gasped. "One of them is kicking."

Excited he laid his hands on her belly.

"I don't feel anything," he said disappointed while she gasped again.

"Here." She guided his hands on a different place and he waited impatiently.

As he felt a kick his mouth dropped open and his eyes showed the wonder he felt. "That was…"

"Yes," she smiled wide.

"This is… amazing." He pressed his hands on her belly to feel the kicks better.

"Do you feel it?"

"Yes," he whispered.

She watched him staring at her belly. This man, her former first officer, was her best friend, her life, her love, her husband. She couldn't imagine a day without him; she couldn't imagine a life without him. She was unbelievably glad that she asked him over a year ago if he would have a baby with her; she was unbelievably glad that she asked him nine and a half years ago to be her first officer; she was unbelievably glad that he asked her one year ago if she would marry him; she was unbelievably glad that she said yes.

Silent tears ran down her cheek.

"Is something wrong?" he asked concerned. "Are they hurting you?"

"No." She shook her head. "Nothing is wrong. Finally everything is good."

He started to beam, exactly knowing what she meant. She laid her hands over his and together they felt the kicks and punches of one of their children.

After some minutes the movement stopped and he pulled his hands away. "Seems that it's enough exercise for now."

"Yes."

"I have to go back," he said quietly, reluctant to leave her.

She nodded with shimmering eyes and he kissed her gently before he turned and walked back to his half bathtub. She stepped on the porch and sat down to watch him.

=/\=

Stepping out of the house, Chakotay surveyed his work. He had begun with the roof and was satisfied for the moment so he sat on the steps, taking a break.

"Pause?" Kathryn said with a smirk as she walked around the house.

"What are you doing here?" he asked surprised and stood up to kiss her.

"I'm living here… soon," she answered as they broke apart and raised her head to look at his work. "The roof looks great, Chakotay."

"Thanks."

He started to watch her from the side and she felt his gaze. "What?"

"What are you doing here? You should be at work or are you not feeling well?"

"I'm fine, Chakotay."

He noticed she had something on her mind. "What is it?" he asked softly.

Avoiding his eyes, she stepped away. "I…"

"Kathryn?" he frowned.

"I don't know… It's my work. It feels so…" She stopped and looked at her hands.

"Please talk to me."

She raised her head and looked him in the eyes. "I feel useless in that office, Chakotay," she admitted in a long breath. "I feel like I am being urged into admiralty without being asked what I really want."

He took her hand and sat with her on the steps. "Do you want to quit?"

"From Starfleet?" she asked and he nodded. "No, I don't want to quit. That's what makes it hard. I always liked my work but now…"

"You don't want to sit in that office anymore."

"Yes." He smiled and she cocked her head. "What?"

"I thought this day would come sooner or later."

"Really? Why?"

He looked away, grinned sheepishly and tugged his earlobe. "I never thought you would fit in an office job."

"Why?"

"I always thought you needed something more challenging."

"So what do you think I should do?"

"Maybe you should search for another post."

"Yes, maybe…"

"Kathryn?"

"I thought about an assignment on a ship."

"You want to leave Earth?" he asked and she sensed his fear that she could leave him.

"No, I don't want to," she said quickly and squeezed his hand. "The problem is I don't know what I want but I will never leave you and I won't go on a ship and leave Earth without you."

He saw something on her face he couldn't pinpoint. "Tell me what's on your mind."

She sighed and shook her head at her own thoughts. "It's ridiculous."

"Tell me."

"The truth is… there is something I would like to do."

"And that is?"

"It is crazy…"

"Tell me."

"It's not me."

He pinched her chin and turned her face to his. "Tell me," he said gently.

"I want to stay at home," she admitted and searched his face for a reaction but only saw his gentle, chocolate brown eyes on hers.

"Why shouldn't you?"

"I never thought I want that."

"But now you do."

"I cannot believe it… I always wanted to be in Starfleet. I wanted to be out there," she gestured to the sky. "…but when I think I should leave them every day to sit in that lonely office…," she placed her hand on her belly. "I know I can't. I want to see them grow up. I want to spend time with them. I want to spend time with _you_."

"That sounds wonderful, Kathryn. I know you dreamed of exploring the galaxy but you did it. You were out there. If it's still not enough we could go. We could take Voyager and fly through space again. Seek out new worlds, make first contacts." She smiled lovingly at him. "I know you don't trust your own feelings so I suggest you don't make a permanent decision right now. Take a long leave of absence. Think about what you really want. I have only two more weeks until this semester is over. And then we will move here and have plenty of time for us."

"You are right," she nodded and felt tears in her eyes. "But will you survive me being around you all the time?" she joked to decrease the emotions which are overwhelming her way too fast since she was pregnant.

"I love to have you around, Honey."

"Honey?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Darling?" She made a face. "Sweetheart?"

"Oh no, Chakotay!"

"What about Kathryn?"

"Better. But I prefer Captain." He laughed and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "That's not funny, Commander. Back to work," she commanded.

"Aye, aye Captain."

=/\=

Kathryn took the leave and they started to sleep at Gretchen's place as the semester ended. With increasing enthusiasm Chakotay worked at their home but as he noticed that he wouldn't be finished when the babies arrived he asked B'Elanna, Tom, Harry, the Doctor (who was soon annoyed that he had to carry all the heavy things), Mike and even Mark for help.

Kathryn felt more and more useless and whenever she was bothering them too much Tom and B'Elanna brought Miral or Mark his son and Molly to occupy her.

With all these helping hands they didn't need long and in a warm July night as Kathryn and Chakotay sat in companionable silence on the swing on their back porch he suggested they move.

"Really?" Kathryn turned to face him.

"Yes. We're almost done."

"None of the rooms is furnished," she objected.

"We would only need a bed for now, B'Elanna is going to install the replicator in the kitchen tomorrow and I'm sure we could get a coffee machine somewhere quickly."

"I don't need a coffee machine now," she reminded him.

"Right," he said surprised. "Do you know that I'm proud that you keep your hands of off coffee?" He squeezed her shoulder

"I keep saying to myself our twins would be hyperactive if I drink coffee," she shrugged. "And I like some quietness from time to time."

"Good thinking."

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"You really believe everything I tell you, don't you?" she said with twinkling eyes.

"Huh?"

"I had a cup of coffee when you were on Dorvan," she admitted. "Two sips, but it tasted worse than Neelix's better than coffee substitute."

He laughed out loud and patted her belly gently. "They know how to keep mommy away from coffee."

"They do."

As if on cue one twin started to kick.

"Hello, there," Chakotay greeted his child. "Are you having fun?"

"They're having a lot of fun in there," Kathryn sighed tiredly but as she saw how Chakotay beamed she smiled too. She noticed that every time he felt his children kick he seemed to be excited and at peace at the same time. Sometimes he talked to them, other times he only stared in wonder at her round stomach and she loved to watch him in those situations.

He raised his head and their eyes met.

"You can't get enough of their kicking, can you?" she said, smiling.

"It's so… I can't describe it, it's still unbelievable."

"The two are definitely real."

"I know they are… I guess I just need to know if we're having girls or boys or one of each to make it real."

"We agreed to wait."

"And we will wait. But aren't you curious?"

"Of course I am."

"Do you think you can feel what they are?"

"Not really."

"I think we're going to have two girls."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because I want two girls. Two girls who look exactly like their mother," he grinned.

"The Janeway family is full of girls."

"Yes and who are we to break this tradition?"

"So you think we'll have two girls."

"Yes."

"I'd rather think we'll have two boys. Two handsome, gentle, sensitive boys… with dimples."

"Isn't marriage about making compromises? So what do you say about one for you and one for me?"

She laughed happily. "I would like that."

He smiled at her and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I never assumed it would be so exciting," he said quietly. "I can't wait until I'm able to hold our twins in my arms and get to know them. I'm jealous that the three of you know each other so well."

"We know each other? I don't know them."

"You have a connection. I sometimes feel like the third nacelle."

"Chakotay, you have a connection as well. Your voice. They react when they hear you, you can make them bounce or calm down. They don't do it when I talk to them."

His face lit up. "Is that true?"

"Of course it is," she said sincerely. "I believe our children have the same devotion for their father as I had."

"You loved your Dad…"

"I still do."

"Maybe I'm a little anxious because I hadn't had such a devoted relationship with my father."

"But you are not your father. You'll listen, you care. Our children love you."

"Did you hear that?" he said with a smirk to her belly. "Mommy said you love me."

As he felt answering kicks, Kathryn laughed out loud at his surprised face. "See, I told you so."

"I won't ever doubt a thing you're telling me again."

"It took you so long to figure out?" she asked with a mock glare.

He decided not to answer. "Can you imagine them walking around here?" he asked instead.

"Yes, I do and I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be their childhood home, the place where they grow up."

"I never thought this way about the house. It should be finished when they arrive."

"Okay then, let's move here," she commanded.

"Let's move here," he agreed.


	5. Arrivals

Both felt immediately at home in their new house. They spent days furnishing the rooms and Chakotay had to move the furniture several times until Kathryn was pleased.

The days were long and hot and the once tiny tomato plants grew steadily. Like Kathryn.

She was feeling more and more useless and when Chakotay went back to duty to plan his classes she also began to feel restless and was, alone at home, bored as hell. One day he brought her painting equipment outside but as Phoebe saw Kathryn's 'paintings' and laughed, Kathryn didn't touch them again. She longed for the day her pregnancy ended and counted every single day but there were still three weeks to go.

Aware that sitting at home with nothing to do wasn't the way she wanted to live, she thought about her work and what she wanted to do when they had adapted to a life with children. She was sure now that she didn't want to leave Starfleet but she still didn't know what kind of work would fulfill her.

Her impatience with herself and the whole situation grew so she walked through house and garden and tried to encourage her twins to be born earlier.

She stood on the lawn, doing some exercises she thought would help as Chakotay came home from the Academy.

"What are you doing?" he asked, frowning.

"I try to convince your children to come now," she hissed without stopping to bend her knees.

"Kathryn," he said gently, walked over to her and grabbed her shoulders. "They are still small and tiny. They need this time. Please be patient."

"It's so… hard," she groaned. "I feel so… heavy… and I want to see my feet again."

"I don't think so," he chuckled. "You're wearing two different socks."

"Really?" She tried to see them but couldn't and groaned again. "It's not like Kathryn Janeway to wear two different socks!" Before he could reply she punched his arm hard and went on. "This is your fault, Mister!"

" _Mine_? You wanted a baby, remember?"

"Yes, _one_! Here are _two_ inside." She gestured over her enormous belly. "Two boxing babies!"

"It's not my fault that we will have two. These…," he laid his hands on her stomach. "…are fraternal twins as you know. So if it's somebody's fault, it's yours."

A disliking sound emerged her throat and if glances could kill he would be long dead.

"Kathryn," he said softly. "You made the decision for having a child. You were so…," he cleared his throat. "…eager… as we tried to get pregnant and so happy when we found out. You said once that you couldn't wait to be pregnant and experience it so let me remind you that these are your last weeks or maybe days or only hours to be pregnant. Please try to savor these feelings. You may never get them again."

She sighed and her face softened. "You are right, but it's so…," her shoulders sagged.

"I know," he embraced her. "And I feel guilty that I can't stay here with you but if I plan the next semester now I have more time when the twins are born."

"You don't have to feel guilty," she tried to sound convincing.

He knew she was tired and lonely and needed a distraction. "I have a surprise for you. Take a look."

Her curiosity piqued, he took her hand and guided her upstairs. Slowly he opened the door to one of the children bedrooms.

"Chakotay, this can't be true," she whispered as she saw two wooden cradles in the middle of the room. "Don't say you made them yourself?"

"I did."

She shook her head in unbelieving amazement.

"I started on the trip to Dorvan."

"So this was your secret you didn't want to tell me."

"Yes."

She explored the cradles carefully. "They are beautiful. Are they made of the wood from New Earth?"

"Yes, they are."

"Our babies will sleep peacefully in these cradles."

"I hope so. I don't want them to sleep in our bed," he grinned and placed his arms around her waist. "I want to have my wife to myself." She felt his breath on her neck. "Even if it's only through the night," he added before he kissed the spot below her ear.

#

She made her best effort to savor the remaining time of her pregnancy.

It wasn't until twelve days later when she lay in bed, protectively surrounded by Chakotay's arms, that she felt a contraction. Or she thought it was since she hadn't had any experiences. Carefully she unwrapped herself and stood up.

She settled down on the couch in their living room and waited. After two more contractions she was sure she was in labor though the interval between them was so long that she took a book and began to read.

It was after 0300 hours when she decided to call the Doctor and wake Chakotay.

"Admiral," the Doctor greeted her bright and fresh.

Sometimes it's good to be a hologram, she thought.

"Doctor…"

"Red alert?" he asked with a wink.

"If you say so," she laughed.

"Okay. I'll beam to Bloomington."

"Thank you. We'll see us there." She closed the link and made her way upstairs. "Chakotay?"

He mumbled in his sleep but didn't wake.

"Chakotay?" she tried again while she dressed herself.

"Hmm…," was the only response.

She walked to the bedside and thought he was looking cute while he slept but she couldn't hold back and chuckled wickedly. "Commander!"

He sat up immediately. "Yes, Captain?"

She laughed cheerfully and he rubbed his face. "Kathryn, it is late… or early. Come back to bed and don't play games with me," he grumbled and laid back.

"You can go back to sleep but I have to go."

"What does Starfleet want now?" He wriggled his cheek comfortably in his pillow.

"Nothing."

"Then come back to bed."

"I have to go."

"Where?"

"Hospital."

"Why?"

" _Why_? Because I'm delivering your children."

His sleepy eyes shot open. "You mean…"

"I'm in labor."

"Why didn't you say that?" He jumped off the bed, looking at her. "Are you all right? We have to call the Doctor."

"I'm fine and I called the Doctor already. He is on his way and when you got dressed we can leave too."

Chakotay grinned from one ear to the other. "We're really getting our twins?"

" _I am_ getting our twins," she said and pushed him away so he could get his clothes on.

=/\=

Gretchen walked up and down for three or four hours? She didn't know. Phoebe preferred to sit and watch her mother. It was somewhat hypnotic and tranquilizing.

Chakotay called them as he and Kathryn arrived in Bloomington's hospital where they decided their children should be born and not at Starfleet Medical. Gretchen didn't want to stay at home so Phoebe transported to her and they made their way into the city together.

Every time the door of the hospital's waiting room opened Gretchen turned around but until now they hadn't heard from Chakotay or the Doctor.

The sun began to lighten the room and Phoebe hung bored in her chair while Gretchen was still pacing with long, unhurried steps. Stopping at the window, she looked outside but was oblivious to the scenery of the awakening city. She heard Phoebe shifting in the silence and looked through the reflection at her daughter. "Be patient, Phoebe."

"How long does this usually take?" Phoebe groaned annoyed.

"As long as it takes," Gretchen said and walked over to her. "All I can think of is Katie," she said and sat next to her youngest daughter, folding her hands in her lap.

"She is strong. She can manage everything."

Unfolding her hands, Gretchen rubbed her face. "I know."

"And she's not alone. Chakotay is with her."

"I know," Gretchen said without sounding too convincing. "I can't sit," she jumped up to pace again.

"And you're calling me impatient," Phoebe muttered.

Gretchen laughed. "I'm sorry, darling, though I'm not impatient, I'm nervous."

"Isn't that the same?"

"Not quite."

Suddenly the door opened and Gretchen turned on her spot. To her relief it was Chakotay, looking dreamily with a wide grin at her. Gretchen stumbled forward and embraced him.

He closed his eyes and squeezed her tight. "She is fine, all three are fine," he whispered in her ear.

Gretchen felt tears upwelling in her eyes and squeezed him even tighter.

As he opened his eyes and looked over Gretchen's shoulder his jaw dropped in slow motion. The little room was filled with former Voyager crewmember and all eyes were on him.

"How are Kathryn and the twins?" Phoebe tugged at his arm.

Gretchen stepped to his side and he had to shake his head before he spoke. "They are fine," he said absently while he stared at his crew. "Kathryn is exhausted but blissfully happy. And the twins… are perfect. Simply perfect."

"And?"

"And…," he faced her. "You are the aunt of a girl and a boy." Phoebe's hands wandered over her mouth, her eyes full of joy. "Kathryn noticed already that you once again have what you wanted," he winked without mentioning that he and Kathryn had also 'agreed' to have a girl and a boy.

Phoebe jumped excited up and down and hugged him firmly.

"Do they have names?" she asked as she released him.

"Of course they have names." He laid his arms around his mother- and sister-in-law. "Her name is Shannon…"

"That was predictable," Phoebe interrupted him with rolling eyes.

"I chose the names."

"Oh…"

"Yes it has to do with Shannon O'Donnell but we had some favorites and our girl is a Shannon."

"Shannon Janeway," Phoebe said to hear the sound of it.

"Not exactly," he faced Gretchen. "Shannon _Gretchen_ Janeway."

Gretchen's eyes got wide and filled with new tears and she embraced him speechless.

"That's her name. It fits perfectly."

"And he?" Phoebe's curiosity wasn't satisfied yet.

"His name is Milo. Milo Edward Janeway."

Chakotay could see through Gretchen's tears happiness but also thankfulness. He squeezed her shoulder and kissed her cheek. "These are their names," he shrugged. "We couldn't do anything. You can go and see it yourself. Kathryn's waiting for you."

Gretchen nodded and Phoebe linked her arm with her mothers and they left the room together.

Now the Voyager crew stepped forward. Mike Ayala was the first in a long row to embrace and congratulate the proud, new father. Tom and B'Elanna, Sam and Naomi and all the others followed. As they were finished and engaged in a conversation Chakotay stepped to the side and picked Miral up. "Thank you, Miral," he whispered in her ear. "That you've enchanted Kathryn with your beautiful brown eyes and your adorable smile." He kissed her little cheek and she beamed at him even if she hadn't got a clue what he meant.

#

Chakotay entered the room quietly. He paused as he saw the three Janeway women side by side. Four, he corrected himself and smiled. Somehow he was glad that he and Kathryn didn't have two girls. He was in need of male company with all these women.

Phoebe held his son in her arms, eyeing him carefully while Gretchen stood on the other side of the bed, hovering over her granddaughter who lay safe in her mother's arms but Chakotay's gaze lingered only on Kathryn. He was sure she was glowing.

She seemed to feel his gaze and raised her head and smiled at him. "I heard our crew was here," she said softly.

"Yes," he nodded. "Everyone who was on Earth or nearby. They're all excited and wanted to know how you're doing and congratulate us."

"You told them about our newest crewmembers?"

"I did and after that they had an animated discussion about which post Shannon and Milo will take in the future."

Kathryn chuckled.

"No matter which post they'll take, he will be a heartthrob," Phoebe said, wiggling her eyebrows. "He has his father's dimples."

Chakotay rolled his eyes and stepped closer.

"He has," Kathryn agreed.

"How do you know that?" Chakotay frowned.

"I checked it," Kathryn said and raised her hand to touch Milo's cheek. He grimaced and his dimples appeared. "There, you see."

Chakotay shook his head amused and took his son away from Phoebe. "Come here, little one. We have to stick together. Janeway women are dangerous."

"And now we are one more," Phoebe exclaimed and took Shannon from her mother. She touched the baby's cheek but Shannon didn't grimace.

"I tried it earlier," Kathryn said at her sister's failed efforts. "She has sweet, little hints of dimples. Very cute."

Chakotay shook his head and rolled his eyes again.

Now that Kathryn was without baby she started to take in her surroundings for the first time only to stop at her mother's tearful gaze. "Mom?"

"Everything is fine, darling," Gretchen said, cupping Kathryn's cheek. "I'm just happy."

"We're happy too," she said and exchanged a smile with Chakotay. "Very happy."

She was still smiling but her arms felt suddenly very empty. Phoebe stood within reach but Chakotay didn't and she had to admit that it was bothering her. She never took her eyes off her son, watching every move Chakotay made. She would've chuckled at her behavior if it wouldn't have bothered her so much. Somebody else chuckled and Kathryn looked up to see that Chakotay was watching her.

"Let me guess," he grinned. "You want him back?"

"Yes."

"Do you think I can't handle him?"

"No. Just give him to me."

Chakotay's grin widened at her command voice but he obeyed and laid Milo in Kathryn's arms.

"You'll get used to letting go," Gretchen said wisely as Kathryn settled her son into a comfortable position. "Give it some time."

Kathryn nodded at her mother. "Thank you for being here, Mom."

"I'm always here for you, Katie."

"We may come back to that," she laughed.

"You will," Gretchen smiled knowingly at her daughter. "But that's okay. I'd love to help raising my grandchildren."

Kathryn and Chakotay smiled thankful at her.

"I want to help too," Phoebe complained from the side.

"And you will help, _Auntie_ Phoebe," Kathryn assured her. "We need all the help we can get," she said and Chakotay nodded firmly in agreement.

As Chakotay stood later alone at Kathryn's bedside, watching her and the babies sleep he felt more at peace than ever before.


	6. Familiarizing

"Chakotay, would you do me a favor?" Kathryn asked as they lay side by side in their bed.

"Anything."

"Could you please put them in one cradle?" He frowned at her. "They have never been apart in their lives. I think they need each other at least for the first few days."

He shook his head unbelieving and grinned. Not two hours ago she had told him to bring the cradles in here so she had the twins close. "You're not going to spoil them?"

"No, I promise," she smiled her crooked her smile which she knew he couldn't resist. He rose and picked Shannon carefully out of her bed and laid her beside her brother.

"How do they look?" Kathryn whispered.

"Pleased, but they are sleeping."

She noticed that he couldn't steel himself away from the sight of the sleeping babies. She waited patiently and after some minutes he joined her.

"Hi," she smiled. "Are you happy?"

"Happy isn't almost the right word. I'm in heaven."

"I am too."

She watched him with a wicked gleam in her eyes.

"What is it?"

"I was thinking about something."

"About what?" he asked warily.

"The names of our children."

"I like their names."

"I like them, too, though they don't show their origin."

"You mean _my_ origin."

"Your origin is their origin."

"Kathryn, just say what you want." Her gaze was disturbing him.

"I thought about Indian nicknames."

"My parents used to call me a nickname. I hated it."

She didn't respond but continued to stare at him.

He sighed. "You're up to it, aren't you?"

"Yes and you know how stubborn I am."

"What do you say…," he decided to be straight and have this topic closed soon. "Little bear and wild flame?"

"Chakotay!" she squeaked.

"Shhh," he tried to quiet her. "We don't want to wake them. Don't you remember what happened when we failed to get Miral to sleep?" he whispered.

"You ended up in my bed."

"Oh yes…," he grinned boyish. "That's true."

"Don't get naughty thoughts. I'm not letting you near me for the next… for a long time and now we are searching for names."

"Don't you like little bear and wild flame?"

She lowered her head and narrowed her eyes. "I know what you are implying with these names."

"Do you?" he frowned.

"Little bear? Wild flame? Come on Chakotay, that's obvious."

"I don't know what you're trying to say but I think these names would fit. He is a little bear. He is smart and strong and wise; peaceful but also determined. And have you seen her hair? Dark red like a wildfire. And she's wild and indomitable; she needs her freedom to be herself."

"Do you see all this in our two little babies?"

"Yes, I do."

She watched him closely.

"What?" he asked.

"You thought about it earlier. You didn't imagine that right now."

He couldn't keep a straight face. "Maybe."

"Chakotay!"

"What? You wanted nicknames."

"I did."

She pouted and was quiet for a moment.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"Can he change 'little' into something else someday?"

He chuckled. "He can."

"Okay, then it is little bear and wild flame," she said satisfied and snuggled more comfortable into the pillows. "What did your parents call you?"

"I hoped you would never ask," he sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Why? Tell me."

"Because of that. You want to know."

"Of course I want to know. Please tell me," she begged with a wide smile.

He smiled sheepishly and a heat rose in his cheeks. "Little warrior," he exhaled.

Her cheeks fluttered with a growing laugh.

"You don't have to suppress…," he started and she laughed hard but as quiet as she could.

"Ouch," she held her stomach. "I… can't laugh… it hurts," she gasped. "Oh, Chakotay." She grabbed his arm while she laughed. "I'm sorry."

Needing some time to recover, she watched him with compassion. "Didn't you ever think of changing 'little' into something else?"

He looked at her and saw how tight she was pressing her lips together to suppress her hopeless giggling. "When do you think I had time for it?" he asked insulted.

"You did it before," she said enlightened. "You changed from 'little' into 'angry'. And we can think of another name now. What about…," she stopped, thinking. "Peaceful?"

"Peaceful? What's that for a warrior?"

"Okay, you're right… strong?" He shook his head. "Great?"

"No."

"Successful?"

"Successful warrior? Now you are going to be ridiculous."

"If you don't help me you will be demoted into 'little warrior' again."

He shook his head and glanced at her but she saw his undying love for her in his eyes. He loved how she teased him, she knew that. He loved it when she laughed. He felt bliss, endless bliss with her.

She had to blink a few tears away. This man did everything he could to make her happy and he deserved that from her too. This brave, wise, caring, proud man.

She looked with wide eyes at him. "What about proud?" she whispered touched.

He was stunned. "That is perfect."

"Proud warrior. You are my proud warrior."

"And you are the warrior's princess," he said mischievously.

"Chakotay!" she squeaked again and he quickly decided to kiss his princess to quiet her.

=/\=

After a short night Kathryn and Chakotay woke up early from loud screaming and crying.

"How can they be hungry again?" Kathryn groaned and sat up as Chakotay rose from the bed and walked over to the cradle.

"Hello you two," he greeted his desperate children and took Milo. Carefully he laid him in his mother's arms. "Here is mommy." He kissed his head softly and turned while Kathryn began to nurse her son. "I'll go and change Shannon," Chakotay said and picked Shannon out of the cradle and walked with her out of the room.

As Milo was finished they exchanged the babies and after Chakotay had changed him he sat on the bed next to Kathryn. He rested his back against the headboard, lifted his knees and laid his son on his legs. Kathryn made herself comfortable after Shannon was finished and imitated Chakotay's position.

"They are sweet, aren't they?" she smiled while she arranged Shannon on her legs.

"They are," Chakotay agreed absently.

"What are you doing?" she asked as she saw that he cocked his head and looked closely at their son.

"I'm trying to figure out what he inherited from me."

She chuckled quietly. "The hair."

"That's obvious."

"And the eyes."

"Yes and the cute, delicate ears are definitely yours."

"Delicate ears?"

"Yes," he faced her with a grin. "You have very cute ears."

She blushed. "I don't think so…"

"You have. And he has now too."

"Does Shannon also have my ears?"

"Yes," he raised his hand and traced Shannon's ear with one finger. "Sweet, little ears."

Kathryn watched him. "You love them, do you?"

He beamed at her. "I do."

"They are great."

"They are."

"What else did he inherit from me?"

"Hmmm," Chakotay examined Milo further. "The nose. This is not my nose."

"It doesn't look like mine either. One of your parents? Or Sekaya?"

"No. One of your family?"

She leaned closer and poked Milo's nose softly. "Aunt Martha."

"Kathryn," he laughed. "Don't say our son looks like your aunt Martha."

She watched him laughing and smiled. "He has my father's nose," she told him.

His laughing ended abruptly. "Really?"

She nodded at him. "I thought you knew it."

"No, why do you thought that?"

"Edward. You wanted to name him Edward."

"That's true. But I didn't want to name him Edward because of his nose."

"Then why?"

"Your father means a lot to you…"

"And?" she asked as she noticed that there was more.

"He introduced you into Starfleet," he admitted. "And we wouldn't have met if not for him."

"That's a lovely idea, Chakotay, but I said it to you before we would have met somewhere else. I'm sure of that." He smiled almost shy and she decided to distract him. "Can we switch?" she begged.

She succeeded and pulled him out of his wistful mood. "Of course," he grinned.

They exchanged the twins, which was still difficult because both held their baby close but finally Shannon laid on Chakotay's and Milo on Kathryn's legs.

"I know something else he inherited from you," she noticed and touched Milo's cheek. He grimaced and his dimples appeared.

"You really like those, do you?"

"I do," she beamed.

They stared at their babies for a while before he spoke. "What are you thinking about?"

"Admiral Janeway."

" _Admiral_ _Janeway_?" This was the last thing he expected.

"Yes… she made this come true. Without her…," her voice trailed off.

"Without her we would still be in the Delta Quadrant."

"Yes," she whispered.

"Kathryn?" he asked concerned as he sensed her thoughtful mood.

"It would all be different."

"Of course it would."

"I'm glad she came back and changed the timeline." She hesitated for a moment. "Is that wrong?"

"Of course not," he said firmly. "It's absolutely not wrong to be happy."

"You are right…," she said absently and started to play with Milo's hands.

"She changed the timeline for the better. We can, we _should_ , be thankful. We wouldn't have what we have."

"That is true…," she sighed deeply but quickly straightened her back and pushed these emotions aside. "Can you imagine us on Voyager with these babies?"

"Not at all."

"It wouldn't have worked."

"No, probably not."

"I'm glad we have the opportunity now."

"I am too. Even if I almost ruined it."

"Chakotay?"

"Seven," he admitted embarrassed.

"You couldn't have known what would happen in the future. Nobody can."

"It was… embarrassing."

"It was."

His jaw dropped. "I need your compassion, not the repeating of the obvious."

She laughed at him. "Chakotay, it was embarrassing and it was out of line."

"Thank you," he muttered.

"She is half your age. She was a child."

"Are you saying I took advantage of her?"

"No, you would never do that. You were lonely. I understand why you did it."

"I didn't understand my behavior."

"We all did things we aren't proud of."

"Do you mean Michael Sullivan?" he joked and poked her with his elbow.

"Please don't remind me." She rolled her eyes and her cheeks flushed to his favorite pink. " _That_ was embarrassing. When I remember what I said in the senior staff meeting as Tom and Harry were held captive in Fair Haven…," she made a face. "I behaved like a little girl whose toy B'Elanna wanted to grab."

He chuckled. "Don't be too hard to yourself. We were in a very special situation. What else could you do?"

"I couldn't date a crewmember."

"No and it was okay."

"But a hologram of all things?"

"It was the logical choice."

"The Doctor said that too."

"The Doctor?"

"Yes. We talked about it and he encouraged me to explore it further with Michael. I wish I hadn't." Kathryn looked over her shoulder at her husband. "But I know it was right to not go to you."

He smiled at Shannon before he faced Kathryn. "It was, Kathryn. I know that."

"The others still don't know…"

"Unnecessary," he stated simply. "We know."

"Do we?" She raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Don't we?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know or you don't know?"

"I don't know." She laughed heartily.

"Now I'm confused," he laughed with her.

"I mean I don't know the real reason, or do I?" she asked after their laughing had subsided.

"Seska."

"Seska?" Her eyebrows jumped under her hairline.

"I knew why you couldn't get involved with a member of your crew, especially me. I had experienced it on my own before."

"Could you explain it?"

"We, Seska and I, were romantically… sexually," he corrected himself. "…involved. It ended badly as you know. I swore to myself I would never make the same mistake again."

"But you weren't the captain."

"No, but you were and I know you couldn't, should not, trust anybody like this."

"I trusted you."

"Yes, you did. I know that, that's why we survived even our worst nightmares but what if I wasn't the man you thought I was? I was the man you was sent out to capture after all. It wouldn't be right if you got involved with me."

"There was no other man on Voyager I was interested in. And I trusted you with my life."

"I know. I really do. But Seska's knife stuck deep in my gut and that's why I understood why you held back. I would have never, ever, made the first step into something more between us. I wouldn't want you to think that I took advantage of you and start a mutiny."

"You would never have done that."

"Sure. I knew it and you know it now. But weren't you always alerted on Voyager? Alerted that the Maquis could plan something?"

"At first, yes," she admitted. "But I trusted you from the very beginning…"

"I was your enemy," he interrupted her. "You cannot really mean it."

"You are right….," she sighed. "How could I?"

"I don't blame you."

"I was careful… but I knew I had to make compromises. Step towards you, towards the Maquis if this journey should be successful."

"I was deeply impressed by what you did. Making B'Elanna chief engineer for example."

"That was hard. I knew you were impressed by her skills…," she got silent and let Milo grab her finger.

"Kathryn?"

"That was the first time I felt truly alone," she said sadly.

"Why?"

"I made you my first officer. I knew it wouldn't be easy to integrate you and the Maquis into the group but you were so kind and nice as we talked about it in the first place. We made our decision how to deal with the situation together and found a good conclusion. I was thankful and somehow I knew you will help me through this all…"

"And then I pushed you so badly."

"Yes… I was disappointed and sad. I thought we had an agreement but before our journey really started you spoke up against me. I thought I had you at my side but I became aware that I had nobody." She swallowed hard.

"You had."

"Not at this early stage," she said and tugged at Milo's clothes. "I was sad first, then I was stubborn. I didn't want to believe you. But you were stubborn, too, and I began to think about it and gave B'Elanna a chance. Finally I saw that she really had the skills, that she was clever and had good ideas. And, what was more important, I saw that you wanted the best for my crew."

"Our crew."

"I hadn't admitted it yet, to myself, but this was the moment I recognized that it was indeed _our_ crew. From that point on I trusted you. You did something for the better of the ship and our journey. You showed me that you really believe in it, that you cared about getting Voyager home."

"I'm glad I could make you trust me even if I just wanted to make B'Elanna chief engineer."

"But it implied something to me."

"You never answered my question…," he said suddenly wicked.

"What?"

"My question. If you would have served under me if we were on the Maquis vessel."

She laughed at him. "Captain's prerogative."

"You aren't my captain anymore."

"Do you really want to know the truth?" she smirked.

"I'm not so sure…," he said after he saw the mischievous expression on her face.

She nudged his arm. "Coward!"

"Okay, tell me."

She smiled bright. "I didn't think there was a real possibility that we would have gotten into this situation."

"How so?"

"You know your ship. It was old… damaged. The Kazon would have destroyed it quickly."

"Thanks," he replied insulted but his twinkling eyes gave him away.

"You wanted to know the truth. But if your ship would have been in one piece I would have served under you, and I would have earned your trust…," she beamed. "…and then I would've started a mutiny and made it the Starfleet way."

He laughed. "Yes that I'm sure of."

"I'm glad we had Voyager."

"I'm too. She is a fine starship. You are right… with my ship we wouldn't have come far. But Voyager… she is tough. Like her captain," he grinned.

"It's too bad she stays on ground. She should be out there."

"With a new captain?"

"No!"

"With you?"

"No."

"You are crazy."

"I am. But she deserves to be out there," Kathryn said wistfully.

"We will take her out one day and cruise through the Alpha Quadrant."

"Yes," she agreed cheerfully but her face changed to thoughtful again. "Chakotay?"

"Huh?"

"Was it really because of Seska?"

He chuckled but she felt bitterness behind it. "Yes. She showed me that it is not clever to get involved while you're in a command structure."

"Then she did something good in the end… She helped to get Voyager home without knowing it."

"Without _wanting_ it."

"Yeah… I'm glad you knew we couldn't start something. I've feared you could have urged me into it… I knew I wouldn't have resisted very long."

"It could have ended in a disaster."

"It could have ended with a first officer on a lonesome planet," she smiled devilishly.

"It could have ended with a pregnant captain and a promoted first officer because she wanted to be a full time mom."

Kathryn narrowed her eyes. "It could have ended with an open airlock and a first officer in space."

"It could have ended with a crew split into two groups."

"It could have ended with a first officer in the brig."

"It could have ended with happily ever after."

"It could have…," she pondered his words.

"It would have."

"It would have ended with happily ever after," she agreed. "…if you wouldn't have had so many women out there."

"Kathryn! I didn't have _many_ women out there."

"Didn't you?" She lowered her head. "Seska, Riley, Kellin, Valerie, Seven…"

"That's not fair. Five women in seven years. You can't say 'many'."

"What did you think when you were alone with them?"

"I dated Valerie only for research."

" _Research_? You don't believe that yourself, do you?"

"She was a member of species 8472!"

"You kissed her."

"To get information! You did it with Kashyk, too, or was it because of love?"

Kathryn blushed and hated herself for it. "I did it for the crew."

"So did I."

"How do you know I kissed him?"

"Everybody knew. You were so impressed by him… you adored him and the way you looked at him." He shook his body in disgust and Shannon looked up at him as he moved his body but seemed to like it.

"So you want to compare Valerie with Kashyk?"

"I did it only for the good of the ship. I hoped you did the same with him."

"I did. I found him interesting, that is true but I didn't trust him a bit. What about Riley?" she quickly changed the subject away from her.

He rolled his eyes in disapproval. "She wanted to save my life. I rejected her at first but I didn't really have a choice. I needed her help. And then I thought I had to do something for her."

"You had a strong bond."

"I was thinking her thoughts, I saw what she saw. It was… amazing. But as we didn't do what she wanted she didn't wait long to abuse me."

Kathryn patted his shoulder for comfort.

"Kellin?" she chuckled.

"Kathryn! I don't even remember her anymore," he said outraged.

"I'm sure she was blonde like all the others."

"They weren't _all_ blonde." She lowered her chin and glanced at him. "Seska?" he enlightened her.

"Oh yes…"

"Do you really want to talk about my… women?"

"Yes," she beamed.

He sighed. "I like it when you're happy but why does it have to be at my expense?"

"It's funny," she shrugged.

"It is not. We could talk about your men… Gath?"

Kathryn started to choke. "Gath?"

"Don't say you don't remember him anymore."

"There was nothing."

"Oh, come on. You impressed him."

"He only wanted us for his amusement. I'm not that type of girl."

"That is true. Hmmm," he thought. "Jaffen?"

"Jaffen? I was brain-washed!"

"You moved in with him after what? Two weeks?"

"You can't hold that against me."

"No, but I can hold Michael against you."

"Chakotay, not again!"

He grinned wildly but let her away with it. "Let's say we had met some interesting people and we are both adults."

"Yes," she exhaled relieved. "And now I'm hungry."

"And I should get you something?"

"Yes."

"You aren't my captain anymore, you can't command me anything."

"I," she narrowed her eyes dangerously. "…pushed your children out of me not two days ago. I can command whatever I want."

"Yes, of course," he chuckled and kissed her cheek. "I'll make you breakfast."


	7. An overdue conversation

"Do you need anything else?"

"No, I'm fine," she said and smiled at him. Once more it took all his strength to turn from the sight of her nursing one of their children and leave. He walked downstairs to the kitchen and prepared her a second breakfast. Happy babbling from the path to their house let him raise his head and he saw Tom, B'Elanna and Miral, who was the one babbling happily, walking towards their house. Chakotay smiled to himself and walked to the front door.

"Chakotay," Miral yelled and ran into his arms.

"Hello Miral. That's a surprise."

"We want to see Auntie Katie and Shannon and Milo."

He pursed his lips playfully. "Everyone only wants to see Kathryn and the babies. What about me?"

B'Elanna and Tom stepped on the porch and Tom patted his friends shoulder for support. "I'm sorry but that's the way it is."

Chakotay grinned and let them in. He was too happy to notice how silent B'Elanna was.

"Wait here," he told them at the stairs. "I'll see if she is ready."

Tom nodded and Miral tapped impatiently from one foot to the other.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay said quietly as he entered their bedroom.

"Yes?" She looked up as she had settled both babies on the pillow in her arms.

"We have visitors."

"I know. I heard them. Let them in."

Before he could nod Miral slipped through the little space between his legs and the door. Kathryn smiled as the now over two years old girl stopped in her tracks and hesitated.

"Hello Miral, come here."

Slowly, with wide brown eyes, Miral walked over to her, never taking her eyes off the twins and stopped at the bedside.

"Miral, may I introduce you to Shannon and Milo," Kathryn said solemnly. "Twins, this is Miral."

Still speechless Miral stood in front of them and watched. Kathryn raised her head and smiled amused at Chakotay whose lips turned into a grin. He gave her a nod and turned to get the parents of the stunned girl.

"Don't be afraid," Kathryn told Miral. "Do you want to say hello?"

Miral nodded in slow motion before she faced her aunt. "Mommy said I have to be careful," she whispered.

Kathryn used her captain's training to not smile. "That is true. I'll show you how to do it."

She patted the free spot beside her and Miral crawled on the bed and sat down.

"It's soft," Miral whispered amazed as she caressed Shannon's cheek slowly and gently after Kathryn had shown it to her.

Chakotay, Tom and B'Elanna came into the room and Miral turned her head. "Mommy, Daddy look," she said quietly but everyone sensed her excitement and Tom tried to guess how long it would take for her to burst. She crawled off the bed and her parents came over to take a closer look.

"Hi Kathryn," Tom grinned. "How are you?"

"Fine," she answered with a radiant smile.

B'Elanna leaned over her and asked silently for permission to take Milo.

"Of course," Kathryn agreed and her former chief engineer took the baby and walked through the room while Tom stole Shannon away from her mother and sat down on the chair in the corner. Miral followed him like in trance and stood beside him.

"She is sweet, isn't she?"

Miral nodded firmly and caressed Shannon's cheek further.

"Do you want to hold her, Miral?" Kathryn asked and Miral bit uncertain her lip. "I'll show you how, come here."

She pointed on the free space on Chakotay's side on the bed and Miral crawled next to her.

"Rest your back against the headboard," Kathryn told her and laid a pillow in the little girls lap and after she had placed Miral's arms and hands in the right places Tom laid Shannon on the pillow in his daughter's arms.

Miral didn't dare to move but the smile which emerged on her face was so bright she could easily light up whole Voyager.

After some moments she felt safe enough to move her head and looked at her father who smiled proud at her and she glowed even more.

Kathryn saw out of the corner of her eyes how B'Elanna watched Miral with the baby but there wasn't pride or happiness on her face and Kathryn frowned. She, of course, had noticed how quiet B'Elanna was and made a plan to talk to her alone.

Miral became restless and Kathryn saw her chance. "Shall I take her?"

"Yes," Miral said and jumped off the bed as soon as Kathryn took Shannon.

"Why don't we all go outside and sit on the porch?" Kathryn suggested.

"Good idea. And you can eat there," Chakotay said and she nodded thankful that he remembered how hungry she was.

"Why don't you two go ahead? We'll be there in a second," she said and Chakotay took Shannon while Tom picked Miral up. The four went downstairs and left Kathryn and B'Elanna, who stood with Milo at the window, alone.

"He looks like his father," B'Elanna whispered into the sudden stillness, looking at the baby in her arms.

"He does." Kathryn couldn't help but smile and sat on the bedside.

B'Elanna made her way through the room and gave Milo to his mother.

"B'Elanna what is wrong?" Kathryn asked bluntly.

A tear rolled over B'Elanna's cheek but she wiped it away angrily. "Nothing," she snapped but sighed defeated as she saw Kathryn's glance. "This is wrong," she laid her hands on her still flat belly.

"You're pregnant?" Kathryn asked, trying to sound nonchalant since it was clear that B'Elanna wasn't happy about it.

"Yes."

"Why should it be wrong?"

B'Elanna turned away. "Because it simply is."

Kathryn rose slowly from the bed and laid Milo in his cradle.

"When did it happen?" she asked softly as she stepped behind her friend.

"About six weeks ago."

"And why do you think it is wrong?"

"It's too much. It is too much for _me_. We already have a child. She is brilliant, she's wonderful but she's so…"

"Exhausting."

"Yes," B'Elanna agreed, sighing, and turned to Kathryn. "I can handle one but I don't think I can deal with a second."

"You are not alone. You have Tom."

"But what if…," her voice trailed off.

"What if he leaves you?" B'Elanna nodded. "He would never leave you. And _if_ you two should break your relationship one day he will not run away from his responsibilities as a father. I will kick him in his… you know what… if he tries to." A faint smile crossed B'Elanna's face and Kathryn laid her hands on B'Elanna's shoulders. "You are not alone. Why are you so desperate?" she asked concerned.

"Something my mother said," B'Elanna admitted.

"You are not your mother. You won't do the same mistakes she did."

"You don't understand," B'Elanna eased her shoulders away from Kathryn's hands and turned to the window.

"Then explain it to me."

B'Elanna groaned, battling with herself whether to tell Kathryn the truth or not. "I am so stupid," she said finally harshly.

"You are not."

"Really?" she hissed and turned to face Kathryn. "Then why did I suggest visiting my mother in the first place? I never wanted to see her again until I had the near death experience and was on the Barge of the Dead. I really thought I had met her there!" she chuckled bitterly. "I really thought we had a new connection! I am so stupid. The Klingon afterlife is a myth; a story you tell children."

"Did you tell her about your experience on the Barge of the Dead?"

B'Elanna shook her head. "No, I didn't even get the chance to. She was too busy telling me my husband is going to leave me."

Kathryn tried not to snort. Someday she had to talk to the older Miral and kick some sense into her. "Tell me the whole story. Please."

B'Elanna exhaled in a long breath. "You know that we visited my mother while you and Chakotay were on honeymoon. I wanted to give her a second chance because I thought she had changed. I was so full of hope and happiness on our trip to Kessik IV only to be disappointed. She hasn't changed a bit. She still is the obstinate woman who is clinging to Klingon honor like she was on the day we parted. And what's worse she began to criticize my family… She asked me what I was thinking when I got involved with Tom. He's a human and humans can't handle Klingon's for long. I insisted that Tom is different and that I have no doubt in his love for me and she started to tell me he is going to leave as soon as Miral's older just like Dad left her. I insisted again that I have no doubt in Tom and the promise he gave me and she said that maybe he can handle two Klingons but not more. He will leave me if we're having more children, she made that clear." B'Elanna's dropped her head sadly. "Soon there will be three of us. She is right in the end."

"How do you know that?"

"Didn't you listen?"

"Why do you think your mother knows better than you?"

"Because she experienced it! It was the same with her and Dad."

"B'Elanna you are not your mother, Tom is not your father and Miral isn't you." Kathryn grabbed B'Elanna's shoulders again. "Did she listen to your words? Was she interested in your life, in your family?"

B'Elanna shook her head. "No. Not really." She pondered Kathryn's words for a moment and then sighed exhausted and threw her hands in the air. "She's still able to confuse me so much that I don't know what I should think anymore."

"She still has a pull on you."

"Yes and I hate it."

"You have to find a way to deal with it."

B'Elanna rubbed her face and Kathryn dropped her hands. "It's not so easy."

"Of course not. Why don't you talk to Tom and tell him about your feelings?" Kathryn saw the expression on B'Elanna's face. "He doesn't even know, does he?"

"No."

"Tell him. Now. You will feel better afterwards."

B'Elanna looked at Kathryn while tears welled up in her eyes. "I don't think I can," she sobbed. "That's what I mean," she went on. "I've lost my trust in Tom because of her words. She is able to do that!"

"B'Elanna…," Kathryn said gently. "You have to talk to him."

"But what if…"

"No. No what if. You can't run away from this situation. I'm sorry but you have to face it. And better now than later."

The tears spilled down her cheeks and Kathryn leaned forward, hugging her tight. "Tom will be thrilled, trust me. And besides what will happen today or in the future you know that you can count on Chakotay and me. We are always there for you. And I mean _always_ ," she said firmly.

B'Elanna nodded. "Thank you," she whispered, pressing her cheek in Kathryn's hair.

"You're welcome." They held onto each other for a moment longer before Kathryn released her. "Are you okay now?"

A small smile emerged on B'Elanna's face. "Not okay but better."

"And you'll talk to Tom?"

"Yes," Voyager's former chief engineer nodded still hesitantly but certain.

"Good," Kathryn smiled and B'Elanna took Milo out of his cradle. They walked downstairs and Kathryn noticed with pleasure that the table on the porch was full of food.

B'Elanna gave Milo to his father and addressed her husband. "Tom, can we go for a walk? We need to talk." He nodded and settled Shannon in her swing. "Miral we'll be back soon," she said but her daughter didn't hear her. She was too busy with running around tomato plants and yelling 'Qapla' after every circle.

"We have an eye on her," Chakotay assured B'Elanna with an amused smile.

"She was so excited…," Tom shook his head at her daughter. "She must leave it somewhere."

"It's okay," Kathryn said. "She behaved very well with the babies."

"She did," B'Elanna faced Kathryn and received an encouraging nod.

Tom and B'Elanna left and Chakotay thought it would be wise to occupy Miral.

He placed his son in the swing next to his sister and left them under the eyes of their mother even if she had only her second breakfast in mind.

"Mommy says I am not old enough for a real bat'leth," Miral replied upset as Chakotay suggested a bat'leth fight.

"Hmmm," he looked around. "We can take this."

He broke two boughs from a tree and handed one to Miral. She smiled wide and whirled her 'bat'leth' substitute through the air. Then she started to jump around, clever and strong, never turning her back to Chakotay. He was impressed by her skills and was sure Tom had played with her bat'leth before. They knocked their 'bat'leths' several times and with one smooth move Miral turned and knocked her bough against Chakotay's, which broke.

Miral smiled pleased and Chakotay turned to Kathryn. "She broke my bat'leth," he complained whiny.

Kathryn only chuckled with a full mouth in response. He let his broken bat'leth to the ground, deliberately looking sad. As he noticed that Miral let her guard down he towered over her.

"I'll get you!" he yelled and Miral shrieked. Her bat'leth fell on the lawn and she begun to run as fast as she could. He followed her, and had easily reached her but ran on purpose slowly. She ran circles around the tomato plants and screamed wildly.

As he felt his own breath increasing he made one big step and brought her to the ground. She wriggled and giggled and squeaked as he began to tickle her.

"Stop," she gasped out of breath. "Please, stop."

He let off her, stood up and walked back to the porch. Without noticing Miral jumped up and creep up behind him. She pushed one of his knees what caught him unaware and fell forward. He groaned, turned on his back and she quickly sat down on his stomach and tickled him back. He laughed cheerfully. "Okay, you've won! I surrender!"

Proudly she rose and walked away with a wicked expression on her face Chakotay knew too well from B'Elanna: Don't bother me again or I'll eat you raw.


	8. Reunion

"Do we really need all this?" Chakotay's eyebrows rose and the corner of his lips twitched into a smile as he entered his daughter's bedroom.

Kathryn got up between the boxes and bags which were standing sprawled on the floor. "We are at least three months away. We need all this," she said with emphasis, put her hands on her hips and blew a lost strain of hair off her face.

"I'm thankful we can beam all this stuff onboard," he said and let his gaze wander over the huge boxes.

"I'm sure you are."

"Can't we just replicate the things we need?"

"No."

It was a statement he knew he couldn't refute so he didn't even try.

"Can you imagine us back on Voyager?" she asked.

"Yes. It may be strange at first but I think we will get back into our old structure easily."

"I will be the captain."

"And I will be your first officer. Like in old times."

"Like in old times."

"The only difference is that we'll go after our shift together to our quarters and that we'll have our little, crazy ones with us."

"They are not crazy. They are sweet."

"To you. But they are screaming and crying when I'm around."

"They are in a no-men phase. That will change."

"I hope so." He picked a little stuffed Voyager up. "I want to hold them without them being upset."

She noticed how sad he was and closed the space between them. "You can hold me. I won't be upset." She threw her arms around him and leaned her body against his. "You can also touch and kiss me and I won't complain."

"That needs further investigation." He kissed her tenderly. "And?"

"I'm not crying," she whispered and he kissed her again.

"Now?" he asked.

"I don't scream," she breathed against his mouth and he pulled her close for a far more passionate kiss. Her body molded against his and he felt his own body responding immediately. If he hadn't been distracted by her he would have laughed out loud. Even after almost two years she just had to push one special button and he couldn't think anymore. She knew exactly what she did to him. Not that he was complaining. He rather couldn't believe his luck for having her at his side and hoped she would never stop doing these things to him.

Right before they had to pull away for breath Chakotay felt a gaze on him. He opened an eye without breaking the kiss. "Kathryn," he mumbled. "We're being watched."

She chuckled against his mouth and broke the kiss. "Hey, little one. Where's your sister?" she asked Milo who sat in the doorway.

"I'll search for her. She is like her mother. You can't leave her alone for a second."

Kathryn gave him a playful push on his shoulder. "You just left her alone."

"I had to look after you!"

She picked Milo up and started to tickle him after she had settled him on her hip. He giggled and she could once again adore his beautiful, dimpled smile.

"I found her," Chakotay called out and walked into the room. "Kathryn! Could you please stop this?"

"Why?" she beamed.

"You tickle him only to see his dimples!"

"I just want to make our son happy."

He glanced disbelievingly at her and shifted Shannon on his hip who immediately started to cry. Chakotay pursed his lips.

"Maybe we switch," Kathryn suggested. As soon as Shannon was on her mother's arm she smiled happily. Now it was Milo's turn to wail.

"This can't be true," Chakotay groaned disappointed. Kathryn gave him a reassuring smile and took her son back.

Chakotay shook his head as his wife stood with two happy children in front of him.

"I'm sorry. This is truly ridiculous," she apologized.

He leaned into her but not too close, to not upset the twins. "I think they just know what's good," he whispered.

As he took a step back he started to chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

"I just thought a lot of our officers would prefer you like this on the bridge."

"Why?"

"You can't put your hands on your hips."

"Now I know why these two don't like you," she grunted with a death glare.

=/\=

Two days later Kathryn stood alone in Voyager's turbolift on her way to the bridge. She slid her hands down her uniform which felt like a second skin. A smooth second skin. She felt comfortable. She felt good.

A smile tugged at her lips and a tingle rose in her belly. The whole family was back home, here on Voyager.

The turbolift doors opened and she stepped out.

"Admiral on the bridge," Tuvok called out and every officer stood at attention. Kathryn glanced at him and raised an eyebrow, reminding him of their agreement. He cleared his throat. " _Captain_ on the bridge," he corrected himself annoyed but Kathryn smiled pleased and walked to her chair.

"Commander."

"Captain." Chakotay gave her a nod. "All systems are online and ready."

"Good." Kathryn sat down and Chakotay with her. "Mr. Paris, let us get her back into space."

"Yes Ma'am," Tom said enthusiastically and turned to his station.

"Blue Alert," the captain commanded.

"All decks report condition blue," Tuvok told them after a moment.

"All right then, get her up, Lt.!"

Slowly Voyager rose and the bridge crew couldn't suppress a wide grin as Earth grew on the viewscreen.

"Lt. Paris, lay in a course for Vulcan," Kathryn commanded as they reached Earth's orbit.

"Aye, Captain."

They started their reunion flight at half impulse while the crew dealt with the ship's systems. Though they had worked hard to get her from a museum back to a spaceworthy starship, some problems just showed up in use. After a few days those minor problems were fixed and Voyager was on low warp speed, heading for Vulcan, their first stop. Like Chakotay had announced, they fell into their old structures naturally though it was far more relaxed than it was in the Delta Quadrant.

Shannon and Milo, now six months old, spent their days in Libby's day-care together with twelve other children. Miral was the oldest at almost three and Naomi helped Libby care for so many babies together with Tal Celes, who had quickly given up her Starfleet career after their return and was now a very happy school teacher at Libby's school. Both women agreed eagerly when Kathryn asked them to take Voyager's nursery during the flight. Tal was glad the she wasn't abandoned even if she wasn't Starfleet anymore (everyone from Voyager's former crew was invited, Starfleet or not) and Libby was anxious to get to know the real life on not _any_ starship, on the _Miracle_ ship Voyager (and she was glad to join Harry of course).

The idea for a reunion flight came up at the bar one evening when surprisingly many former crew members showed up and they noticed that the following year wasn't only Voyager's third year home but also the tenth year after they got lost. They decided that this was more than cause for a special celebration and the idea for the flight was born.

Even if Kathryn didn't like the phrase 'celebration' for this certain anniversary she knew how her crew wanted to do this so she spoke to Admiral Paris a few days later and he agreed with one condition. Voyager should return on the day they came home three years ago so Starfleet could use the flight as publicity. Kathryn rolled her eyes but agreed. She knew her crew wouldn't mind as long as Starfleet allowed them to take Voyager and made this reunion.

And she was right. Every former member of her crew was happy to be onboard again and all had a strange feeling of homecoming. It actually felt like a huge family reunion, even though there were new faces and eight more family members on the way. But the fact that the Voyager family was growing and still sticking together made them all even happier.

=/\=

" _Libby to Captain Janeway."_

"Janeway here." She didn't have to ask what was wrong, she heard Shannon crying in the background as soon as the commlink was open.

" _Captain…"_

"I hear her, Libby," Kathryn interrupted her. "I'm on my way. Janeway out."

"Shall I go?" Chakotay asked from her side.

"No, it's okay. You have the bridge."

He nodded and she left the bridge.

Shannon sat on the floor, leaning against Miral who sat next to her and was babbling soothingly whatever B'Elanna used to say to her when she was upset when Kathryn walked in. A welcoming squeak emerged Milo's throat and Kathryn bend over him.

"Hi, little one," she said and kissed his head. "Are you having fun?" He smiled in response and she winked at him before she turned to her daughter who spread her arms towards her. "What happened?" Kathryn asked as she settled Shannon on her hip.

"Nothing. She sat there next to Miral and just started to cry," Libby explained. "I picked her up to calm her but she didn't stop crying. It only got worse."

"Did you notice something, Miral?"

"No Auntie Katie. I don't know why she is upset."

"Maybe it's simply not her day," Kathryn guessed and caressed Miral's hair. "We all have bad days, don't we?"

Miral nodded but looked concerned at Shannon.

"I'll take her with me," Kathryn addressed Libby.

"Yes, Captain."

Kathryn smiled at them and Shannon laid her head on Kathryn's shoulder while the tears ran down her face.

"I'll see you later, Milo," she told her son and he squeaked a second time before she left the quarters which are used by the day-care and made her way up to the bridge.

Chakotay rose from his chair as his two women emerged the turbolift.

"What's wrong with her?" he asked concerned and touched his daughter's back softly.

"Nothing," Kathryn half shrugged. "She is sad. I don't know why."

"I can cover your shift if you want," he offered.

"Thank you, Chakotay," she agreed with a smile. "I have two important reports on my desk I better read today. I'll take her with me in my ready room. I'll call you when I leave."

He nodded, a little stunned that she agreed so easily. In the Delta Quadrant she must have been unconsciousness to get her off-duty. She left the bridge and he settled back in his chair. "Tom, time?"

"Twenty-eight hours, Commander."

"That leaves us some time for the diagnostics B'Elanna wanted to make. Harry, get down to engineering and tell B'Elanna she can make them now. Lend her a hand or better two."

"Aye Sir."

"And Harry…," Chakotay stopped him.

"Yes?"

"Keep an eye on her. Tell her…," Chakotay searched for the right word. "…she can delegate. You know what I mean?"

"Exactly," Harry answered with a grin while Tom gave both men a thankful smile. B'Elanna still didn't think she had to take it easy, no matter how heavily pregnant she was.

#

The ready room door chime rang and both Janeway girls looked up. "Who's that?" she asked Shannon who sat on a blanket beside the coffee table with toys around her. "Come in," she called out. "It's Daddy."

Chakotay shook his head slightly at the view. "What are you two doing in here?"

Kathryn waved with her PADD from the couch. "Tuvok's report." Chakotay walked the few steps up. "And Shannon is playing."

"She doesn't look sad anymore."

"She isn't. We talked."

He grinned at that. "About what?"

"What we'll do when I'm finished."

"And?"

"We're going to clean up our quarters and unpack the last boxes…"

"That's a very good idea. I hate to stumble over them all the time."

"You could also watch out where you walk…," she suggested with a raised eyebrow. "And when we have enough space we want to increase our crawling skills."

"Increase?" he laughed. "She doesn't even crawl yet."

"She does."

"Do you mean that rolling around?" he pointed at their daughter who started to roll around happily as if to show his point.

"She can crawl," Kathryn replied stubbornly.

"No. Milo can crawl."

"Do you mean the way he used to slide forward on his belly?"

"Yes."

"He doesn't even use his legs!"

"That's more than she does."

"Why did you come in here, Commander?" she changed to command before their debate went further.

His eyes twinkled amused. "B'Elanna started the diagnostics," he pointed at the PADD in his hands. "It's nothing important. You can read it tomorrow."

"Okay," she smiled. "I hope you sent her help."

"Harry and Icheb. They are trying to get her out of a Jeffries tube for the last half hour."

"I can imagine that…," she laughed. "I am finished here."

"Okay. I keep an eye on what's happening down in engineering."

"Better do that."

#

Later that day when it got quiet aboard and the command team finally lay in their bed Chakotay began to nibble at Kathryn's ear.

"Chakotay," Kathryn purred. "What are you doing?"

"You know what I'm doing," he breathed against her neck.

"Our babies…," she waved with one arm towards the cradles, which were standing on the opposite of the captain's bedroom.

"They are sleeping." He traced kisses towards her mouth. "I can be quiet and I know how to keep you quiet…," he said and kissed her.

She moaned and slid her hand over his bare chest. His hands were on their way under her shirt to her breasts when Shannon began to whimper.

"I'll better take a look," Kathryn mumbled in his mouth and turned away. He groaned frustrated and let his body fell onto the mattress. "Hey," she whispered as she peeked into the bed.

"Don't take her…," Chakotay started but it was too late, Kathryn had her already in her arms. Huge teardrops were rolling over Shannon's cheeks and Kathryn laid her on her shoulder, rocking her gently.

"I think she is homesick."

"How do you know that?" he asked incredulously.

"She was never so far away from home."

He shook his head. "There could be plenty of reasons why she is crying…"

"Do you think we should call the Doctor?" Kathryn asked concerned and looked at their daughter intently while he immediately regretted that he had said his thoughts out loud.

"No," he said soothingly. "She is fine."

"She really doesn't appear sick."

"See, she is okay. You can lay her back," he tried his luck.

"Chakotay!" she said indignantly. "She is upset."

"And what are we going to do now?" he sighed. This was _not_ his lucky day.

He knew what she wanted when she saw her begging eyes and groaned again. He knew this look. "Only until she is sleeping," Kathryn assured him but he knew better. Shannon would sleep between them the whole night. Gently Kathryn laid her daughter into the bed and the tears stopped falling as Shannon wriggled towards Chakotay.

"I think the 'no-men' phase is over," Kathryn noticed while a surprised smile appeared on Chakotay's face. "Or she doesn't think of you as a man anymore…" He pursed his lips and she laughed cheerfully. "Maybe she just missed her daddy," she added with a wink and watched how Chakotay smiled brightly when he could take Shannon in his arms without her crying again.

On the next morning after Chakotay had left the day-care quarters he tracked down B'Elanna on her way to engineering. "If you take Shannon and Milo for one night we'll take Miral for two," he said and she grinned at his frustration.

"Make it three and we have a deal."

He didn't have to think twice. He agreed presently.

Meanwhile a few decks up Kathryn stopped Tom with Miral. He saw the expression on her face he knew too well. "We'll take yours, if you'll take ours," he stated simply and she thanked him with a wide smile.

=/\=

B'Elanna watched Tom feeding Milo, who sat on his lap, for over ten minutes. Tom seemed to put the food everywhere, except the little boy's mouth. Milo, after all, wasn't sad about it, on the contrary, he listened happily to Tom's infamous babbling. "Seems that your parents didn't want to have breakfast with us or… what I suspect more… your daddy had your mommy for breakfast."

" _Tom_!" B'Elanna choked on her meal. "You can't say that."

"Keep cool, Sweetheart. He doesn't understand me."

"But he does," B'Elanna pointed at Harry whose cheeks were burning red.

"Oh, come on Harry. Though I like the tips of your ears in this pink, don't say you think they still live in celibacy."

"I don't want to think about it at all."

Tom leaned closer, whispering seductively. "They need it like you and me."

"Stop it, Tom."

"Shall I describe it for you?"

"You can't make it worse than the pictures I have already in my head."

Tom chuckled wickedly and leaned back. "They did it at least once," he said, pointing at Milo.

"Could we please change…," Harry started but was interrupted by Tom as the mess hall door opened and Kathryn and Chakotay walked in.

"What a night of passion can do," Tom noticed with a grin as he saw the relaxed and happy command team approaching.

" _Tom_ ," Harry hissed in a whisper.

"Good morning," Kathryn said with a smile while Chakotay got them something to eat.

"Good morning, Captain. Have you slept well?" Tom asked mischievously.

Kathryn couldn't stop smiling. "Actually I have, Mr. Paris."

"Nothing is better than a good night sleep, isn't it?"

"Yes." She ignored the way he said it and greeted her children. She raised an eyebrow as she saw the food sprawled over Milo's face and clothes. To Tom's relief she said nothing and started to walk over to Shannon who sat beside B'Elanna in her chair.

Suddenly, without warning, the ship rocked violently. Kathryn crashed forward into the table, Chakotay dropped the trays he was carrying and could barely grasp the counter. Miral fell from her chair like several other people too.

"What the hell…," Tom swore after he quickly pulled his hand over Milo's head but he reacted fast and could remain sitting. B'Elanna didn't and Chakotay rushed to her side, helping her standing up.

"Is everything okay?" he asked concerned.

She nodded with one hand protectively over her stomach.

"Janeway to bridge, report!" Kathryn almost barked as she freed her uniform from food and looked around to see if anyone needed help.

"We just dropped out of warp, Captain, and made a full stop," Tuvok's calm voice informed her while the people in the mess hall composed their selves. Kathryn noticed thankful that Harry and Libby took care of her children and Miral while Tom hurried to B'Elanna's side. "It seems that we got stuck in some sort of subspace anomaly."

"Casualties?"

"Several crewmembers are injured, nothing major since now. But the hull has taken damage."

"Repair teams. I want a full damage report. I'm on my way to the bridge."

"Aye, Captain. Tuvok out."

"Libby, I want you to take the children to sickbay. Let them being checked, especially Miral." Libby nodded. "B'Elanna, I want you go to sickbay, too."

"Captain…"

"Lieutenant, that was an order," Kathryn interrupted her sharply.

"Aye, Captain," B'Elanna obeyed reluctantly.

"I want everyone else on his station. Lt. Torres, if you are okay call me as soon as you're in engineering."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Kathryn gave them a dismissive nod and turned but Tom stopped her. "Captain, can I go to sickbay, too?"

"Of course."

Tom smiled gratefully and helped his wife while Kathryn, Chakotay and Harry headed for the bridge.

#

"Tuvok, report," Kathryn stopped directly at tactical while Chakotay and Harry took their stations.

"The hull on decks nine, ten and eleven has taken severe damage. Emergency force fields are holding."

"Main deflector?"

"Is operative."

"Raise shields."

Tuvok raised a questioning eyebrow but did as Kathryn commanded.

"Captain, we need more staff in engineering," Chakotay said without looking up from his console.

"Harry, get down there."

"Yes, Captain," he replied and hurried away.

Kathryn sat down and exhaled slowly.

"We're being hailed," Tuvok informed her.

Kathryn looked surprised at Chakotay. "Red alert. On screen." She rose from her chair.

"Admiral Janeway, I'm Captain Graham from the Federation Starship Cassiopeia. We saw your distress on our sensors. Do you need any help?"

Kathryn shook her head at herself and turned to Tuvok. "Stand down red alert," she told him and faced the viewscreen. "Thank you, Captain, but I'm not sure right now. We are stuck in some sort of subspace anomaly."

"I know. We've been following this anomaly for months. We would've warned you, but it is kind of… jumpy."

Kathryn smiled. "I know this kind."

"We could pull you out with a tractor beam."

"That would help but our hull has taken damage and I need to know first if it can take the pull."

"We'll be waiting for your call, Admiral."

"Thank you, Captain."

The screen switched to the Cassiopeia and Kathryn chuckled as she sat down again.

"What is it?" Chakotay asked amused.

"I'm really not used to it anymore. Getting help…"

"These things were different out there."

"Yes," she said wistfully. "I must admit I feel a little bit rusty."

"What do you mean?"

"It's been ten years since I commanded a ship in the Alpha Quadrant."

Chakotay chuckled and leaned closer. "I think you do it quite well."

She smiled at him and her combadge chirped.

"Doctor to Captain Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"Captain, I thought you want to know that your children are in perfect health and I have treated Miral, she had minor injuries. They left with Libby only moments ago."

"Thank you, Doctor. What about B'Elanna?"

"She is okay but I don't declare her fit for duty for now. She has to rest, at least twenty-four hours."

"Acknowledged. How did she take it?"

Kathryn heard the Doctor sighing. "Let's say it helped that Lt. Paris was here but I guess he will come back with broken bones in a few minutes."

"Let's hope not. Janeway out." She turned to Chakotay. "I'll better go down to engineering. You have the bridge."

He gave her a nod and she left.

Several hours later, with the help of the Cassiopeia, Voyager was free. Kathryn spent the whole time in engineering, supervising and helping the repair teams. When Voyager was out of danger she gave engineering in Harry's hands and made her way up to the bridge. Chakotay chuckled when she walked out of the turbolift. She was dirty from head to toe but her smile was infecting.

"You're having fun," he grinned as she sat down beside him.

"I have indeed," she beamed.

=/\=

"Paris to Janeway."

Kathryn looked up from the book she was reading and tapped her combadge. "Go ahead."

"Kathryn, could I bring Miral to you?"

"Sure," Kathryn answered and heard someone breathing sharply. She noticed that it was B'Elanna and sat concerned up. "Tom, what is wrong?"

"It seems that the crash this morning was worse than we thought. B'Elanna has gone into labor."

"Where are you?"

"We're on our way to sickbay. Miral's with us."

"I'll meet you there and pick her up. Janeway out."

Ten minutes later Kathryn entered her quarters with Miral at her hand. They settled on the couch under the viewports and Miral's head dropped sadly.

"Do you want to talk?" Kathryn asked, caressing the little girl's hair.

Hesitantly Miral looked at Kathryn. "Mommy's in pain."

"Yes but you don't have to be afraid. She'll be all right as soon as your brother is born."

"My brother's hurting Mommy?" she asked with wide eyes and Kathryn sensed anger behind her sorrowful face.

"Look, Miral," she begun, not really knowing how to explain the situation to an almost three year old who had just seen her mother in painful labor. She wanted to sound soothingly but didn't know if B'Elanna was okay since the accident this morning seemed to have caused her labor. Before Kathryn could go on, Miral turned her head as Chakotay appeared in the doorway to the bedroom.

"What are you two doing in here?" he asked while he rubbed his sleepy eyes.

"We're waiting."

"Waiting?"

"B'Elanna's delivering Miral's brother."

Chakotay's face lit up. "Really?" Miral nodded sadly. "What's wrong?" he asked and walked over to them.

"Miral is a bit afraid because she saw her mommy in pain."

"Oh you don't have to be afraid." Chakotay sat down beside Miral. "Your mommy is half Klingon and Klingon's are very strong. She'll be okay."

"But she fell on her tummy!"

"That's true but we have the best Doctor in the quadrant, haven't we? You don't have to be scared. We'll be waiting here until your daddy calls us, okay?"

"Okay," Miral agreed and a tiny smiled graced her lips. "The Doc fixed my arm when I broke it."

"Yes, and he did very well."

She moved her right arm up and down and nodded. "It stopped hurting when he fixed it."

"See and now you can play bat'l'eth again," he smiled. "And our Doctor helped deliver many children."

"Naomi."

"For example."

"And Shannon and Milo," she said and faced Kathryn. "Did it hurt?"

"Yes," she answered honestly and Chakotay cocked his head and glared at her. "But when the Doctor took care of me it was gone," she added quickly and exchanged another glance with Chakotay over Miral's head.

"And do you know who else was born with the Doctor's help?" Miral turned to Chakotay and shook her head. "You."

"I can't remember it."

Chakotay could barely suppress a chuckle at Miral's serious response. "That's okay, the Doctor can."

Miral nodded, some of her fear gone. "Where are Shannon and Milo?"

"They're sleeping. Do you want to take a look?"

"Yes," she smiled and Chakotay rose and took her in his arms.

"We have to be quiet, we don't want to wake them," he whispered and she zipped her mouth closed with her little fingers like Tom often showed her.

#

They were waiting the rest of the night and into the morning hours. Miral was nervous and restless, sleeping was out of question. At some time Chakotay went back to bed while Miral and Kathryn sat on the floor at the coffee table, playing various games. It wasn't until right before 0600 that Kathryn's combadge chirped.

"Paris to Janeway."

"Go ahead."

"We have a new crewmember, Captain," Tom informed proudly and Miral jumped up.

Kathryn smiled broadly. "Great to hear, Tom."

"How's Mommy?" Miral interrupted.

"She's okay, Sweetie. You don't have to worry."

"Can we come to sickbay?" Kathryn asked and hoped the answer would be yes, she didn't know how to calm Miral otherwise.

"Yes. We'll be glad if you visit us."

Miral squeaked excited and Kathryn was sure she could hear Tom smiling through the commlink.

"We're on our way. Janeway out." Kathryn tapped her combadge and rose from the floor with a groan. Miral jumped up and down while Kathryn stretched her sore muscles. "We'll wake Chakotay and then we can leave." She had barely said the last word when Miral rushed into the other room and jumped on the bed.

"I'm a big sister!" she yelled excited.

Chakotay didn't need long to be fully awake since someone was yelling and hopping on the bed beside him. "I'm a big sister!" Miral yelled again.

"Congratulations," he said and sat up.

"We want to go to Mommy." She dropped on the bed.

Chakotay faced Kathryn who nodded at him. "That's why you have to take these," she chuckled and placed at first a still sleepy but thanks to Miral awake Shannon and secondly a visibly annoyed Milo next to him.

"I'm a big sister," Miral told them as if they didn't hear her before. Shannon offered her a small smile before she snuggled against her father to rest a little bit longer. Miral crawled quickly off the bed and took Kathryn's hand.

"You'll bring them to Libby?" Kathryn asked, nodding towards the twins as she was being pulled out of the room.

"I will," Chakotay chuckled and rested his head on the pillow, taking each twin in one arm.

#

Miral and Kathryn made it to sickbay in record time. Miral let go of Kathryn's hand as soon as the doors opened and rushed to her father's side, who picked her up.

"How is the latest big sister on Voyager?"

"Happy!"

"And do you want to meet your brother?" Miral nodded wildly. "Okay, that can be arranged." Tom walked to the biobed where B'Elanna sat with their newborn baby. Tom raised Miral over her brother and Miral took a closer look.

"Hello, I'm Miral, your big sister. I'll teach you how to play bat'leth."

Tom and Kathryn, who still stood a little at the side, chuckled but B'Elanna shot Tom a glance.

"He is so small," Miral noticed while the baby looked at her with wide eyes. "I want to give him a kiss! Daddy let me down."

Tom obeyed and held Miral within kiss-range. She placed a soft kiss on her brother's cheek and beamed as Tom settled her on his hip. Kathryn couldn't wait any longer and took the few steps towards the family.

"He is adorable," she said and laid her hand on B'Elanna's shoulder. "How are you?"

B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "I've been better."

"I know that feeling," Kathryn smirked and squeezed her shoulder. "You have now time to rest," she assured her and turned her attention to the little boy. "Does he have a name?"

"His name is Owen."

Kathryn faced Tom surprised and opened her mouth to say something but closed it again. "Your father will like that," she said finally.

"I think so, too."

"Do you want to hold him?" B'Elanna asked.

Kathryn nodded and took the baby from her. "Oh hey, Sweetie," she said to the baby in her arms.

"I am 'Sweetie'," Miral complained jealous.

Kathryn looked up. "I'm sorry. We need to find a new nickname for him," she winked at Miral. "You are adorable, little one."

"Milo is 'little one'," Miral told her.

"You are right. I'll just call your brother Owen for now, is that okay?"

Miral nodded her agreement and Kathryn turned her attention to Owen who held one little fist up.

Tom saw the dreamy expression on Kathryn's face and chuckled. "He is cute, isn't he?"

"He is," she agreed.

"He looks exactly like me," Tom said mischievously.

"That may be true but I just imagined a baby with brown eyes and dimples," she replied and laughed as she saw Tom pouting.

"Looks like Chakotay has a new job," B'Elanna smirked.

"Oh no," Kathryn shook her head firmly. "We have two. We don't need more."

"Don't you want another child?"

"One? Maybe. But what if we have two again? Or three? No, thank you. But it's not wrong to dream from time to time," she said and took Owen's little fist in her hand.

After a few quiet moments Owen opened his fist and grabbed Kathryn's finger. Kathryn handed the baby quickly back to B'Elanna. "Take him. Before I change my mind."

B'Elanna laughed and settled her son in her arms.

Kathryn turned to Tom. "Shall I bring Miral to Libby?"

"No. I would like to catch some sleep, Captain, and since I guess she hadn't any sleep either I would rather take her with me."

"Of course," Kathryn nodded and patted Tom's arm. "Get some rest." She looked at B'Elanna. "All of you."

B'Elanna smiled thankfully and Kathryn left the little family alone.

Though she had plenty of time until her shift started she decided against helping Chakotay getting the twins ready for day-care and ordered deck one as she entered the turbolift. The wide grin that was on her face since Tom called hadn't left and absentmindedly she rested one hand on her belly, remembering the feeling of being pregnant. Not able, and willing, to stop herself from imagining having more children she was only barely aware of the crew as she crossed the bridge and entered her ready room.

When her shift started she came out and saw that Chakotay was already there.

"Hi," he said as she sat down beside him. "How are B'Elanna and the baby?"

"They are fine," she said soothingly and felt rueful that she didn't call him right away. "The accident may have caused her labor but everything went well."

"That's good to hear. I wanted to pay her a short visit now. Permission to leave the bridge and go to sickbay?"

"Why are you asking me?" she frowned.

"You are the captain."

"Oh."

Chakotay missed the expression on Kathryn's face. "You're getting careless, Kathryn," he joked and rose.

Kathryn's face fell and she jerked inwardly. That was something she hadn't noticed yet but he was right. She was getting careless. Instead of thinking of the ship and the crew she thought of babies, Chakotay's babies, her own children and… Chakotay.


	9. DMZ

"We're entering the Demilitarized Zone," Tuvok informed the bridge crew from his station.

"Lt. Paris, slow down to full impulse."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Kathryn shifted in her chair. To cross the invisible border made her nervous in a way she couldn't explain. She looked around but everyone appeared relaxed. She told herself she was paranoid when Tuvok's console started to beep.

"Captain, a Cardassian warship uncloaked two thousand kilometers on starboard."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Chakotay asked quizzically and opened his console.

"They're matching our course and speed," Tom told them.

"Shields," Kathryn ordered and rose from her chair.

"They're powering up their weapons."

"Red alert. Harry, hail them."

"No response."

"Open a channel on all subspace bands."

"Channel open."

"My name is Admiral Kathryn Janeway from Federation starship Voyag…," she was interrupted by a heavy blast. Voyager buckled and Kathryn grasped the railing. "Tuvok, return fire."

"I'm firing phasers… Their shields are holding."

Kathryn made her way back to the command chairs. Another jolt hit the ship and she had to grab the armrests to sit down.

"This makes no sense," Chakotay whispered. "Why would Cardassia risk another war?"

"I don't know but we have to find out later."

Voyager rocked again. This one hit hard and two consoles exploded. "Shields are down to twenty percent," Tuvok called through the noise.

"Evasive pattern gamma three," Kathryn commanded but it didn't help and the ship buckled under more Cardassian fire.

"Shields are down," Tuvok informed them and in the same moment transporter beams took Chakotay and Ayala off the bridge.

"Harry, get a lock on them!" Kathryn yelled and jumped up.

"I… I can't," he stuttered. "The ship is gone."

Horrified Kathryn turned to the viewscreen only to see empty space.

"Captain, the Cardassians transported 47 crewmembers off board before they cloaked their ship."

"What?" Kathryn barked and strode over the bridge next to Harry. "Chakotay, Ayala, Chell…," Kathryn gasped and looked at Tom. "Torres. All former Maquis. This isn't a coincidence." She shoved Harry aside. "We need to scan the area. They can't be far away," she snapped to no one in particular since she was doing it herself.

Harry stood perplexed next to his station, watching his captain getting more and more frantic. He turned around and glanced concerned at Tuvok while Kathryn slammed commands into the console.

"Admiral," Tuvok said, coming to Harry's help. "We have everything under control. Please leave the station so Lt. Kim can do his work."

"Nothing is under control," Kathryn hissed, her fingers flying over the console, her forehead glistering with sweat.

"Admiral, please," he said and took a few steps towards her.

She didn't react and kept working on the console.

"Admiral, your efforts are meaningless."

Kathryn stopped dead and raised her head slowly. "What did you say?" she whispered voiceless.

"Please let Lt. Kim do his work."

She nodded slowly, appearing somewhat out of reality. "Harry, I want you to scan the area," she said quietly without looking at him and stepped aside. "Check your scans with Seven's, she shall keep an eye on subspace."

"Aye, Captain," Harry said uncomfortably, taking back his post.

"Tuvok, repair teams."

"Captain, may I inform you that with such a decimated crew…"

"I know," she interrupted him short-tempered. "…we will need some time. So better get started."

=/\=

Kathryn read the data on her console once more from the very beginning. Surely they had missed something; probably a simple, tiny detail that would lead to the Cardassian warship. For four hours it had been gone now, and with it about a third of her crew including her first officer and husband.

Needing some solitude, she had excused herself into her ready room while Harry and Seven made their scans. It wasn't much later when Tuvok came to her with a PADD. Since then she had gotten updates every twenty minutes but still nothing helpful. She hated to just sit around like this, she wanted to do something useful but they were waiting on calls from Starfleet command and Cardassia Prime currently. So if those scans didn't indicate a trace of the ship she could nothing do but wait.

Not to be able to do more frustrated her and the waiting made her nervous. She felt her concentration waver and the words on the screen began to swim from exhaustion. Fighting it, she narrowed her eyes to keep them focused. It worked for a few minutes but then the exhaustion took over and she reluctantly leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes. Instantly images of Chakotay filled her mind. Happy images, from last Christmas with him sitting under the Christmas tree at her mother's, their children looking around wide-eyed, were followed by sad, lonely ones. She, sitting alone in her quarters while he was on an away mission; he, holding her dead body, weeping.

The last image froze in front of her mind's eye and his desperation was plainly visible on his tearful face. The thought of how she would react if he died shot through her mind and she felt loneliness clutching her chest tightly. Too tight, she panicked, and opened her eyes. Her vision still swam, but now with tears instead of exhaustion. While she tried to breathe deep and steady, a bad feeling began to rise in her gut. She had to concentrate, she told herself, concentrate on the data from Harry and Seven's scans but her eyes wandered to the picture on her desk; a picture of her family. Her mother and sister, her sister-in-law, her children, she and… Chakotay.

Not able to stand the solitude any longer she wiped her eyes, jumped up and strode on the bridge.

"Tuvok, report."

"The Cardassians haven't shown up yet and we still don't have a trace of their ship. Starfleet command…"

"Captain," Harry interrupted, his console beeping. "The ship just appeared on starboard."

For a second the surprise was evidently on Kathryn's face. "Can you get a lock on our people?"

"Yes…," Harry paused, reading the scans. "Captain, one life sign is missing."

"Beam all you can locate directly to Sickbay."

Harry nodded and initiated the transport. It took three times to get all onboard. "I have them."

"Now search for the missing one," she said and watched Harry as he did.

He shook his head. "I can't find it."

"Is there some sort of dampening field?"

He shook his head again. "No."

"Harry, try…"

"Wait…"

"What is it?"

"A combadge was activated."

"Energize! Tom, get us back into Federation space. Maximum warp. I'll be in sickbay."

Tom nodded but Kathryn was already in the turbolift.

"Deck five," she ordered as the turbolift doors closed. Breathing deeply, she rested her back and head against the wall and closed her eyes.

"Everything will be fine. It was and always will be," she whispered like a mantra though she couldn't deny that the bad feeling in her gut was now a huge knot which made her nauseous and somehow she knew it wouldn't disappear when she reached sickbay.

Even if she collected herself before she left the turbolift, she couldn't prevent herself from making the rest of the way in a dream-like state.

"Captain," the Doctor said as she finally walked into sickbay. He seemed busy but laid his tricorder immediately away.

"Doctor?"

He came right to the point. "Everyone is well, except…," he stopped, looking unsure at the furthest biobed and Kathryn felt a blow in her stomach. "We lost one."

"Who?" It was barely a whisper. She didn't need an answer. She knew.

"I'm sorry, Captain."

Kathryn's hand wandered over her mouth and her vision blurred as her tears reached her eyes. Staring at the still form on the biobed, she didn't notice that the Doctor excused all out of the room.

After a while she felt a hand on her shoulder, the Doctor's, and they walked forward together. "You must know… he is in bad shape. Please don't be startled."

She nodded and he pulled the sheet off Chakotay's head and chest. Kathryn didn't even have the power to gasp. Torture. They _tortured_ him.

His skin showed deep bruises and dry blood covered his face. Blue marks on his neck told her that he was strangled by bare hands. Her Chakotay. _Dead_.

She sobbed. Once, twice. Tears were streaming down her face and dropped on the floor. Her hand reached out to touch his face. Cold. So _cold_.

Her knees buckled and she fell to the ground. Her hands covered her face after she had cried out. "No!"


	10. Looking forward

"Kathryn."

She felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Kathryn."

It wasn't the Doctor's voice. It was…

"No!" she cried and moved her shoulder away from the hand.

"Kathryn!"

"NO!"

"Kathryn, wake up!"

With a jolt she sat up. She was breathing heavily and her body was covered with sweat. "Where am I?" she said breathless and looked frightened around. "What…?"

"You had a nightmare," Chakotay said from her side, watching her concerned.

Terrified she looked at him, unconsciously putting her hand on her chest, as she began to remember her dream.

"Are you okay?" she asked when her breath slowed down a little.

He smiled a dimpled smile. "I wanted to ask you the same question."

"Answer me."

"Yes, Kathryn, I am okay," he assured her.

She nodded slowly and her hand reached out to touch his face. Warm. _Alive_.

"Where did you get this from?" She pointed at a mark on his cheek.

"You hit me," he touched his cheek. "It must have been a horrible dream."

"It was. But it's over now."

He nodded. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," she smiled faintly. "We better get back to sleep," she suggested and turned around. He laid down behind her and pulled his arms around her body.

"Sleep well," he whispered and kissed her hair.

As his breath slowed down she laid very still, her eyes wide and filled with tears and she knew sleep wouldn't come to her, no matter how tight he was holding her.

=/\=

"Deck one," Kathryn ordered.

"Computer, belay that order. Deck three."

Kathryn faced Chakotay and raised an eyebrow. "You can't do that. I outrank you. Computer, deck one."

"Deck three," Chakotay ordered as if she hadn't spoken. The turbolift stopped at deck three and he took her arm and guided her into their quarters without further explanation.

Angrily she pulled her arm away from his grasp. "Could you explain…?"

"What's wrong with you, Kathryn?" he interrupted her shortly.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. You changed our course."

"I had my reasons," she said and turned away.

"Would you tell me your reasons?"

"I don't have to debate this with you, _Commander_."

He grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. "Something is wrong with you. Something personal, so don't pull rank on me."

"It's nothing," she replied, glaring at him.

"Then why did you change our course? We wanted to enter the former Demilitarized Zone this afternoon and now we're heading in the wrong direction," he said and his eyes bore into hers but she remained quiet. "You know I wanted to show you Dorvan and that a lot of our Maquis crew members wanted to visit their families. If you won't explain it to me, would you explain it to _them_?"

She felt tears welling up and hating herself for it, she bit her lip so hard that it started bleeding.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said now in a soft, gentle tone. "Talk to me. Please."

Standing a little lost in the middle of the room, she let him guide her to the coffee table where they sat down side by side.

"Tell me what's on your mind. Let me help you."

She groaned quietly, rubbing her face with both hands, and he knew she was debating with herself whether she should tell him the truth or not.

Finally she faced him. "It's about my dream."

"The dream you had last night?"

"Yes. I dreamed…" She looked away for a second. "In my dream… you died." His mouth opened but before he could reply she went on. "It was… horrible, devastating. I felt broken."

He took her hand in silent support, caressing it soothingly. "Was there more in that dream?"

"Yes."

"Can you remember it?"

She frowned. "Yes."

"Please tell me. Maybe we find a logical reason for it."

She was surprised by his suggestion but told him presently about how they entered the DMZ, the Cardassian warship, how the Maquis were captured and his death.

"That's why you changed our course away from the border," he said in understanding.

She nodded sheepishly. "I know it's crazy but I couldn't help myself."

"It's okay. It obviously rattled you deeply."

"It did," she sighed. "It was so vivid, I really thought it was real."

"But it wasn't."

"I know. Of course I know, though I can't shake off the feeling that something terrible is about to happen."

"When did that feeling arise?"

"When the ship disappeared."

"What did you feel in that moment?"

"I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do, nothing I did helped. My efforts were…" Shocked, she raised her eyes to his. "Meaningless. My efforts were meaningless. That's what Tuvok said too. My efforts are meaningless."

She rose and began to pace through the room.

"What did it do to you when he said that?"

"I couldn't think clearly. It was like a shock. Everything fell apart."

"Do you know why these words had such an impact on you?"

"No, but I heard them before."

"Where?"

"On the planet of the Nechani."

"Where you went through that ritual to save Kes life?"

She nodded. "During that ritual my guide told me everything I went through was meaningless. To hear those words was like a blow…"

"Because you wanted to save Kes life so badly."

"Yes." She stopped, thinking. "But somehow, afterwards, when I was able to process what I was just gone through, I thought there was more; something between the lines."

"And now you hear these words again…"

"In a nightmare…"

"Maybe there is more…"

"Maybe."

"Maybe your subconscious wants to tell you something."

"And what would that be?" she asked irritated, putting her hands on her hips.

He smiled at her clearly visible annoyance. "How should I know, it's your head," he shrugged.

Despite herself she smiled and her composure relaxed. He was happy that he could raise her spirits for the moment.

"Sadly I don't know either," she said and her shoulders slumped.

"We'll find out," he assured her and shifted. "The first impression of this dream is that it looks like you're afraid of losing me. Did you ever think that, consciously?"

She began to pace anew. "Sometimes, but not lately."

"Did you fear I could die when we were still in the Delta Quadrant?"

"Yes, to lose you was one of my biggest fears and I often thought of how the journey would be if you died." She looked at him. "Do you think these thoughts came back because we're on Voyager?"

"Possibly."

She shook her head. "No, that isn't the reason."

"Could it be about Shannon and Milo?"

"No."

He decided to change his tactics. "In your dream, what was it like when the Maquis were gone?"

"It was like the Cardassians were playing with me."

"Explain."

"That we got you back for example. I had nothing to do with it. If they hadn't activated your combadge…"

"So you felt like you were depending on them…"

"I was," she interrupted him. "I didn't only feel that way. I was at their mercy; I couldn't help my crew."

"Could you really not help or was it just a feeling?"

"What do you mean?"

"There are a lot of options a captain can choose from… if this scenario had been real."

"So you're saying I'm not worthy of commanding a ship?"

"Of course you are. I just want you to see clearly. It was a dream after all. And I'm sure you would've acted differently if this scenario would've been real."

"I'm not so sure," she said, pinching her nose.

"Why?"

"Yesterday you told me I am getting careless."

"That was a joke, Kathryn! It's nice to see you more relaxed."

"No, Chakotay, it is true. _I am_ careless. I'm not caring for the welfare of the ship and crew as I should."

"Kathryn, you're too harsh on yourself…"

"I am responsible for these people, Chakotay," she said firmly, gesturing to the door and the crew out there.

"And you take the responsibility."

She shook her head. "I noticed that I care more for our children than I care for the crew. And that is wrong."

"You don't put our children above the crew. When it _matters_. In mess hall you switched from Kathryn to captain in less than one second. You didn't even think about going with our children to sickbay because you knew your place was on the bridge. So what's wrong with caring for our children when it's quiet?"

"It is wrong!"

"Why?"

"Because I should always have the crew in mind. I shouldn't put my life above theirs."

"That sounds familiar."

"Of course it does. That's one of the reasons why I couldn't get involved with you in the Delta Quadrant."

"But we aren't in the Delta Quadrant anymore. We're in Federation space."

"Still, I have to keep this crew safe."

"And you do keep them safe."

"That's not the only thing. I'm not paying enough attention since we've been back."

"What do you mean?" he frowned confused.

"I failed B'Elanna after her meeting with her mother. I saw that she was upset and troubled and angry. I wanted to talk to her but forgot. I simply _forgot_. What if because of my lapse Tom and B'Elanna had broken up?"

"They didn't. And you aren't responsible for everyone."

"They are still members of Voyager's crew."

"That's right, but they are also adults and able to take care of themselves. Tom and B'Elanna did. They resolved their problems on their own. They are happy."

She stopped in front of him. "Some mistakes have an impact on _us_. The Doctor's for example. If I had paid more attention I would've seen that there was a problem with his program."

"There are always two sides, Kathryn. You cannot know what would've happened if you had interfered. You could've made it worse." She grunted annoyed and he rose, laying his hands on her shoulders. "Why can't you just live your life? Why can't you let go?"

"I don't know." She threw her arms in the air and his hands slipped from her shoulders.

"You cared for this crew seven and a half years. You put your life behind to get this crew home. Now it's your turn."

"But not out here!" she said empathically.

"Yes, not out here. Here you are the captain but on Earth you are Kathryn and our crew is grown up and if they need help they'll come to us."

"It's not that easy, Chakotay."

"Of course it is."

"No," she yelled desperately.

"Why?" his voice rose. "Why should it be wrong?"

"Because I'm afraid I make an error in judgment that would put people I love in danger and I wouldn't be able to save them," she shouted and realization hit her. Hard.

Sudden silence filled the room and Chakotay could see her mind reeling and the desperation on her face turning into surprise and finally into a sad certainty.

"Tau Ceti Prime…," she whispered, her eyes downcast. "I thought I had left it behind. But it's still there. After all these years."

Without looking at him, she turned to the viewports and gazed absentmindedly at the stars. Even if he was curious to know what was going on in her head he decided to stay quiet and let her think. He continued watching her, though, and after a while he noticed a change in her body language. She squared her shoulders, stood straighter, head high. The posture reminded him of the woman he met ten years ago; the woman who stepped unafraid in his path, blocking his body with hers. He realized suddenly how much she had changed since then. His eyes drifted to the stars streaking by and he didn't know how long they were standing there before she faced him.

"Chakotay?"

Shaking his head to clear his mind, he looked at her and saw a challenging shimmer in her eyes that was also absent for a while. "Yes?"

"I will change our course. We're going to visit Dorvan," she said, her voice strong and firm. "We won't let some imagined Cardassians interfere in our plans."

He didn't need to ask if she was sure, he saw the determination on her face and just smiled to himself.

"What?" she asked annoyed with one hand on her hip.

"Oh, nothing," he waved dismissingly, the smile growing. "We better leave. Our bridge is waiting."

She shook her head slightly and her forehead crinkled confused. He walked to the door but stopped before it opened and stepped aside, gesturing at her to go first. Glancing at him, she walked forward.

"Welcome back, _Captain_ ," he said empathically right before the doors opened.


	11. Epilogue

Chakotay lay in their hammock in the backyard. The dusk slowly wrapped the land into twilight and the first stars appeared in the sky while a gentle breeze caressed his skin. He exhaled in a long breath and a smile tugged at his lips.

It had been two weeks since Voyager's reunion flight. Most of the crew had easily settled into their new lives. Most, but not all. Kathryn struggled still. Though she had found her old strength, she hadn't made a clear decision for her future yet and he didn't know what she was seeking. He did know, however, how much fun she had commanding Voyager after she had finally accepted her past as a part of her. She had spent some time alone after the dream and their talk and he saw that a burden was lifted off her shoulders. They talked more about the accident on Tau Ceti Prime throughout the trip and even if he had known the facts before, she had never shared her feelings openly and it dawned on him how much she had suppressed them over the years.

There was a subtle change in her behavior, he doubted their crew, maybe not even she herself, had noticed it, but she was relaxed and content and spent a lot of time with her crew as well as being the captain. The guilt, her once constant companion, was gone for good.

That should make him happy, blissfully happy, and it did, though he was well aware of the knot that was forming in his stomach. He saw how pleased, how satisfied she was out there and he feared she would want to take an assignment on a ship.

He swallowed and shifted. If she really wanted to captain a ship he knew he couldn't stop her, he had to go with her or they would see each other only a few times a year.

Of course he would go with her, the problem he had was that he was happy on Earth. He felt rooted for the very first time and he didn't want to give this life up but he also knew he couldn't be happy without her.

"Hi," she said softly as she walked across the lawn.

He turned his head and smiled. "Hi." He reached out to take her hand. "Are they sleeping?"

"Yes. They were so tired they fell asleep during the first story."

He chuckled low.

"I'm tired, too," she said and rubbed her face with her free hand.

"We kept our twins busy today."

"Sometimes I think we're too old for children of that age."

"You wanted them," he teased her and she punched him playfully. He grabbed her other hand and pulled her down next to him. She sighed, pleased, and snuggled into a comfortable position. "But I know what you mean…," he said wistfully.

"When I think we could be alone… do whatever we want to… go wherever and whenever we want to…"

"That would be great…"

They faced each other. "No," they said together and shared a laugh.

"Not for a second," she added and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I love our babies. I'm glad we have them in our lives," he told her and his hand started to move up and down her back.

"I love them too… and I love you."

He squeezed her body to his and kissed the top of her head. "You know that I love you."

"I know."

She poked his chest absently. "Chakotay…," she started. "I made my decision. I now know what I want."

She felt his body tensing and tilted her head to look at him. Gently she cupped his cheek with one hand. "I know you are afraid I would take an assignment on a ship but that's not what I want. I see… I feel how much you love our life here and I love it too," she said bluntly and he relaxed visibly. "I enjoyed captaining Voyager but it wasn't until we were struck in that subspace anomaly or when you showed me Dorvan and told me about its history that I knew what I really want. What I always wanted to be: a scientist. For my whole life, I've been a scientist. Command never truly suited me."

"You were the best captain I ever served under."

"On Voyager, yes. In the Delta Quadrant, yes. That journey was full of exploration, of seeking out new worlds, new species. I was able to be both, scientist and captain. When I wanted to see a nebula or a planet or whatever there was I could explore it. I could give the order because I was in command. But here in the Alpha Quadrant? Hopping from station to station? I think I'd be bored soon."

"Okay, so what do you want to do?"

"I am a scientist, Chakotay. I want to be a scientist. I spoke with Admiral Hayes and he offered me a post at the 'Voyager project'. You know that there's a group of scientists who are analyzing and evaluating the data from Voyager's computer and I would become the head of the team. That way Starfleet would benefit from my experience and I have the chance to work in my original field. I suggested to Hayes that while we're analyzing the data we collected in the Delta Quadrant we could make trips to see if we can find something similar here in the Alpha Quadrant. We could take young, eager cadets with us," she said with a twinkle in her eyes and he smiled. "Admiral Hayes would welcome me as soon as I say yes but I said I had to talk to you first. What do you think?"

He looked at her and saw happiness, love and peace in her face but also a little anxiety regarding his reaction. "This sounds absolutely like Kathryn Janeway," he said sincerely.

Her face got brighter than the full moon. He smiled at her and she watched him closely and without warning she slapped his shoulder.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"You knew!"

"What do you mean?"

"You knew I would never end up in that office." He smiled sheepishly. "And you probably knew I would get back to Voyager somehow."

He shifted under her scrutiny.

"Chakotay," she said warningly.

"Yes," he admitted. "I never understood why Starfleet didn't involve you when they initialized the project."

"You could have told me!"

"I knew you would find out sooner or later. You needed more time than I expected, though," he laughed and she slapped his chest, pouting. "Kathryn, this job sounds absolutely perfect. I am happy for you if you have everything you wanted," he said, pulling her close.

"I do have everything I wanted."

"Okay, then take this job."

She nodded. "I'll call him tomorrow."

Pleased she snuggled her body tight against his. For a moment it was quiet except of the chirping crickets in the high grass.

"Do you see the stars?" she whispered as the sky was almost black.

"Yes."

"They are beautiful."

"They are."

 _The End_

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. And a special thanks to all the reviewers. You're awesome.  
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